I Once Closed My Eyes
I once closed my eyes
Then opened them and peered
A raggy old man
With a white flowing beard
Stories have told me
Who this man might just be
So I rubbed my eyes
And peered again to see
He had on no boots
His clothes looked really worn
No red but his eyes
His bag black and torn
I rechecked my watch
Had Christmas come this late
The milk was not gone
And the treats on the plate
I jumped to my feet
I then searched for more clues
Bottles underfoot
He had drank all the booze
My interest now peeked
I walked out of the room
I gazed upon him
In all his drunken gloom
Of words I had none
As I stared at this man
I uttered a sound
He silenced me with hand
But what could I say
This is certainly him
Weathered but quite warm
Not obese but not thin
His hand raised up high
He spoke so few a word
He mumbled out loud
"I was kicked to the curb"
"caught miss claus sleeping
with thirteen naked elves
ungrateful bastards
how they enjoyed themselves"
I just had to ask
"how long have you been here"
he sat back and stared
with a look that was queer
he said not a word
he just slid me a beer
"how long has it been
that you've been sitting here"
"just where have you been
ive told you this before
three foot mutineers
screwing my wife that whore"
"before their revolt
I snuck in and then out
Of their liquor stash
And peed in their damn stout"
"did I hear you right
you peed in the elves stout"
"they weren't too happy
they then threw me right out"
a drunk santa claus
sitting at my own table
and a beer in my hand
what a Christmas fable
he pushed me a shot
we then raised to a toast
something about a
reindeer an elf and ghost
"these clothes not are mine
found them in the laundry
my hall in the boots
this bag from your pantry"
he stuttered and slurred
he carried on and on
I studied him more
And I sat there in awe
He cried and he laughed
And we drank some more beers
The hours they passed
As we sang all our cheers
As the sunrise came
What of Christmas for all?
The thought came to mind
As I tried not to fall
I got him to laugh
And shook like jelly
As stories once told
Jiggled his great belly
"mischievous damn elves
bastards stole my damn sleigh"
laughing he told me
acting out this sad play
we kept on drinking
all day and through the night
we drank to our fill
until the morning light
he cried "what a fool
am I to act this way
drinking all this booze
letting elves cause dismay"
tiny little elves
causing such as ruckus
ruining a proud man,
screwing up this Christmas
I then helped him up
Bottles clinked under feet
He burped and hiccupped
As I propped him up neat
Drunk and real stupid
I slurred a battle cry
"death to those midget freaks
their half as tall as I"
"we'll march right back up
to the north pole right now!
Kick some elven ass
And sass up that fat sow"
"lets get back that sleigh
bring Christmas to the world
it cant be that hard"
stood up too fast and hurled
inebriated
so much almost as I
Clausy rose with me
And joined my battle cry
A blink we were there
The snowflakes and it all
"how did we get here
I screamed out in a call"
"what hell if I know
I just twitched my damn nose
Every god damn time
Out some chimney I go"
"so why are we here
ive been drinking too long"
he said this to me
as it came out in song
"we might need some help"
"hey wait why are we here?"
we both were quite drunk
at least that much was clear
"we need help clausy!"
I whipped around and said
Puzzled he fell down
Said "you've nothing to dread"
Then to my surprise
He whipped it out and peed
Yellow snowmen grew
All of the help we'd need
He pulled them around
Then he took out a flask
After whistle and full draught
We all knew our grim task
Reds among yellows
We joined the ranks of men
With fear in our eyes
Our snowy trudge began
All the while we drank
Our men reeked of urine
A drunk snowmen slurred
"elve's not knew trouble in"
some three foot tyrants
screwing the big guys wife
caused all this trouble
a story told for life
I looked to and fro
To my left and the right
Reindeers joined the ranks
We must look quite fright
As we all slurred on
Voices trail in the night
We closed on the pole
Eyes twinkle in delight
Jack in our bellies
Our beer muscles were huge
We closed on the walls
The elves onto our rose
Hurling their snowballs
No one cowered with fear
Reindeer and snowmen
Refilling thirst with beer
Claus was a great sport
We destroyed his own home
"bring down the walls
leave nothing but the stone"
we broke down the door
like hot knife through cold ice
with big balls of steel
woke all even the mice
the little bastards
had all scattered about
all those goddamn elves
scampered slow as their stout
"where is the fat sow!"
clausy screamed with fervor
he was all sloppy
but showed nay a tremor
"what about the elves
thirteen of them is all
naked as jaybirds
you were having a ball"
mrs. Claus replied
"what of it there fatty,
I waited for years
For you to lose some chubby"
"your bowl of jelly
had more wiggle than wag
and your rose red cheeks
they have begun to sag."
"so I had some fun
theres nothing you can do
ive got the pre-nup
you know that it is true."
I interjected
"wait, you cheated on him"
claus bowed his head low
his face looking quite grim
"got something to say?"
we waited for reply
snowmen, deer and I
as claus looked to the sky
"I froze my nuts off
to help save Christmas eve
you tell me the truth
or im going to leave"
"I did not tell you
I do cheat now and then
Sleigh rides get lonely
I don't do it quite often"
"she caught me just once
'twas after Christmas eve
the girl fell asleep
and she forgot to leave."
I sobered up quick
Responded much quicker
"what the hell clausy"
as I held from quiver
clausy looked ashamed
he apologized quick
to me and the missus
though it would do the trick
mrs claus was pissed
her house now lay in ruin
almost Christmas morn
and no gifts were given
clausy was a wreck
just a regular guy
he held back the tears
he would not, could not cry
"but what can we do?"
clausy cried out in grief
"I cant let kids down
come on we must be brief"
"honey I was wrong
but theres a job to do
I just need the sleigh
Then we will talk this through"
"dude, she looks real pissed"
I whispered to clausy
"lets get out of here"
climbing up clumsily
red robes were flying
black boots and furry hats
polka dotted boxers
lay crumpled on the mat
"been looking for these"
claus remarked to himself
holding them up proud
as a prize on a shelf
his eyes were still crossed
mine were not much better
off into the night
we were off together
so santa was nuts
and were both half tanked
Christmas needs saving
It was I to be thanked
Mrs. Claus still screaming
Echoing in the night
With claus behind the wheel
We were out of sight
"claus, where is Rudolph?"
I asked curiously
"he pissed off the team
we had to set him free"
"well where is he now?"
"out over Tokyo
that dasher cut his reins
he let no one know"
"it was kinda nuts"
he said with some laughter
" 'Oh Shit's all that you heard
it was a disaster"
the nights just begun
adventure just started
"damn whats that smell!"
"Oh, donner just farted."
Just one of the things
That I learned on this trip
My crazy driver
One ole piss drunk St. Nick
We tore through the sky
As our asses on fire
Over huge cornfields
And oceans of sapphire
Clausy kept drinking
He said it kept him warm
"bullshit" I told him
but who was I to scorn
we swerved through the night
dropping gifts down chimneys
crashed into some roofs
and around with some ease
a race from the sun
it was hot on our trails
it was in finland
and we just got to wales
thank god for the jews
out stops were cut in half
other religions
helped to shorten our path
some gifts got messed up
but we just flipped a coin
timmy got stockings
some vegan got sirloin
but man I'll tell ya
best Christmas of my life
the trouble being
explaining to my wife
why im hungover
why I reek of urine
my hair is a mess
and where I have been
oh what a headache
this is going to be
but claus's homelife
is one I don't envy
we finished our trip
and we parted our ways
he flew back up north
I downstairs in a haze
As he flew away
Thought I heard him exclaim
"reindeer number three
what the hell is your name?"
crazy old drunk claus
then turned to me that night
and he said "God damn
'twas one hell of a night."
The End
Sent as a joke to VoicesNet.com
