My 5 Year Old Nephew Pushes My Buttons
CAR RIDES
Me: Okay buddy, buckle up.
Tom: Why?
Me: Because I promised your mum I’d take care of you, lil' fella.
Tom: Why?
Me: We want to make sure you're safe.
Tom: Why?
Me: I'm just taking care of you, champ.
Tom: Why?
Me: Because it is a kind thing to do and you should always be kind to people
Tom: Why?
Me: Why do you think so?
Tom: Why?
Me: Because your opinion matters and I want to know what you think.
Tom: Why?
Me: Well I'm just trying to make conversation but clearly that was a mistake.
Tom: Why?
Me: Just put your seat belt on.
Tom: Okay.
LUNCH
Me: Do you want to eat out or get something back home?
Tom: Hmm, I don't know.
Me: We could go to that cafe near the park if you like?
Tom: I don’t know.
Me: What about that Italian place?
Tom: I don't know.
Me: Sandwiches back home then?
Tom: I don't know.
Me: Oh! We could even go to McDonalds if you promise not to tell your mum!
Tom: I don't know.
Me: Fine, we'll just go to the fish and chip store then, it’s close.
Tom: No, I don't like fish.
Me: Okay, we could get Japanese?
Tom: No, sushi made me sick last time.
Me: Alright, then how about we get curry?
Tom: No, I can't eat spicy food.
Me: We can have party pies at home.
Tom: No, mummy says eating meat is bad for the planet.
Me: Of course she did, well then you'll just have to starve.
Tom: No! I'm hungry.
Me: Then what do you want to eat?!
Tom: I don't know.
BED TIME
Me: Night night, don't let the bed bugs bite.
Tom: What?!
Me: Oh no, I was only kidding.
Tom: It didn't sound like you were kidding.
Me: Well I was, go to sleep now.
Tom: No! how could I possibly go to sleep?
Me: I'm sorry mate, I didn’t mean to frighten you, it's only a joke.
Tom: Not a very good one, I can't sleep in here now, I might be eaten alive!
Me: You'll be fine, try not to worry.
Tom: First they'll scratch at my skin...
Me: No they won't.
Tom: ...Then, they'll go for my feet and work their way up to my head!
Me: The bed bugs can't eat you.
Tom: Don't be ridiculous! Do bed bugs have teeth?!
Me: I guess so?
Tom: Well then they can eat me!
Me: Goodnight, I'm leaving now.
Tom: I'm telling mum!
Me: Not if the bed bugs get you first, goodbye.
Tom: Ahhhh!
GOING HOME
Me: Alright, here you go and his water is inside the blue bag just there.
Amy: Thank you again Mark, you've been so helpful.
Me: No worries, we had a great time together didn't we, bud?
Tom: Yep.
Me: You know you're welcome here any time.
Tom: Thanks uncle Mark, you're my favourite person ever, I love you uncle Mark.
Amy: Wow, he's not usually this affectionate, I know you're family and all, but you're not that fun, haha.
Me: Tom and I just love spending time together.
Tom: Yep.
Amy: Okay we best be going now.
Tom: No please mum, five more minutes.
Amy: Well if it's okay with uncle Mark?
Me: Actually I have to get going to pick up some groceries but I need to have a little chat with Tom first.
Amy: Okay, meet me in the car when you're done Tom.
Tom: Yes mummy.
Me: Alright, here’s your twenty bucks.
Tom: Thanks.
Amy: Tom! hurry up.
Tom: Coming mummy, love you uncle Mark.
Me: Yeah, whatever, love you too.
