My Candidate of Choice
After long and hard deliberation
I have finally decided who it is
I am gonna vote for
And my friends
Come November 4th.
To write in the name of the most fiery
the most powerful
the most experienced leader
the world has ever known.
November 4th. I want you to vote...
for Sauron the great!
Now. Now. I know what you are thinking
Sauron? Like Sauron from those stupid ass hobbit films.
Yes friends. The very same.
The truth is Sauron gets a bad rap.
Think about it.
In Mordor there are goblins,
undead zombie politicians,
trolls, and dark elves.
In the land of Mordor even minorities are able to live proud and free together
in glorious harmony.
I challenge you to show me any other place
in middle earth that can make such boasts.
Diversity...that's what the boss is all about!
OK so yeah he doesn't have a body...
Yeah! Yeah! I get it. He is really just a big flaming eyeball
in the skies of Mordor.
But nowhere in the constitution of Middle Earth
does it say the handicapped are barred from political office.
So keep your prejudices away from me! Cripple hater!
Besides all of our other candidates are just as flawed:
Barack was a vacuous void of never materializing organic gas
McCain has been reconstructed more times than the 6 million dollar man
and the president before that didn't even have a brain.
No I tell you Sauron would be perfect.
So perfect in fact that once news was made of his official candidacy
The honorable Karl Rove himself offered his immeasurable political wisdom to further the candidacy.
Those of you who feel compelled to slander Sauron
and call him silly names
or the enemy
and other such nonsense
are simply racists who need to come to terms
with why they are filled with such hate.
I mean really. Grow up!
Balrogs need love too, ask Capcom.
We need proven military experience.
Through careful budget management and diplomatic treaties all over our great realm
Sauron was able to build defenses for Mordor that would have even impressed the Gipper.
Through use of cutting edge palintir technology,
and aggressive interrogation tactics
(that prove that when it comes down to it our boss can act downright patriotic),
he has crafted an intelligence gathering operation that is second to none in this realm.
His daring and vision was directly responsible
in crafting the international Ring of Power nonproliferation legislation
and efforts to secure the world's lone loose ring has already begun.
This, my friends, is leadership at its finest.
OK OK I admit it. He's evil.
But, my friends, this is an EVIL world! When it comes to a ticking time bomb situation...
who do you really trust to make Bin Ladin or his cronies talk?
Jack Bauer...or a Balrog personally crafted by the dark lord Melkor (also known as Prescott to his friends)?
Who has a track record as expansive and storied as our glorious candidate?
Huh? Tell me. Who?
Yeah that's what I thought.