My lawyer has reached the highest success
Imperturbably managing others' distress.
His clients may shout, utter curses obscene,
Execration, invective, meant to demean
Former partners, or deadbeats or erstwhile wives,
Or revenue agents ruining their lives.
See them gather dispirited, angry and glum.
Awaiting a gaggle of lawyers to come
From offices gleaming with customized tables,
Glove leather chairs, Mies van der Rohe labels.
They wonder how deep in their personal kitty
They must dig to pay for these views of the city.
They plead and they mutter rehearsed alibis
Rending the air with laments and fierce cries.
"Catching you up in your own lies—it's cruel!
But my lawyer, my lawyer, will not lose his cool."
"Why has my partner thus double crossed me?
Some hot potato he's suddenly tossed me!"
"The rents are these offices are sure gonna cost me!
But a lawyer whose office had no view might fail me
Inviting the Feds to handcuff and jail me."
The other team's lawyers skulk like hyenas
Growling and prowling with writs and subpoenas,
Suers or sued, Counsel comforts them each
As he hurtles himself once more into the breach.
So worry no longer if our lawyer is near,
He personifies sanity, confidence, cheer,
And as voices rise higher, taut with concern,
As tempers flare up and furies slow burn,
As anger rises out of control,
And feelings are wounded—he will console.
(Perhaps my lawyer missed his profession,
That of a priest hearing confession,
But law was his choice, not for the dollars,
He just didn't like how he looked in those collars.)
Now his imported shirts gleam white at the cuff,
His custom-made suits are of very fine stuff,
Not a crease at the thigh, nor a wrinkle or smudge
Is visible either to client or judge.
Philosophers all, you might think about this,
For it is a point you might possibly miss.
When somebody is so impeccably dressed,
How can a judge not be impressed?
How can opposing counsel not cower
'Fore someone whose costume exudes so much power?
So smile and welcome astronomical bills
Rewarding haberdashery—and a few legal skills,
Advances, retainers—on such things don't choke,
For whether you cry or complain or you joke,
Whether you win or you lose, you'll be broke.