regarding eggplant
today i wake up, and i decide
"it is my special day! i will
give myself a reward even though
i just got dumped and i really don't have a job
and i don't have much money left and i need to buy new pants."
i decide none of this matters.
i deserve a treat.
i go to the grocery store,
because i should make myself a delicious dinner.
for no good reason, i buy an eggplant.
and i never buy eggplant.
i think,
"this is the day that i started buying eggplants!
and i will become a better, healthier person,
and i will wear deep purples and brush my teeth
twice a day, no matter what, even if i'm already in bed
and i'm drunk and about to have sex. i will, always brush my teeth
before bed, from now on, because only responsible people buy eggplants!"
by mid-morning, the eggplant
is more symbolic than it was in the grocery store.
i bump into a former co-worker who already thinks i'm weird.
i say, "would you like to meet my eggplant, he is very friendly."
she looks at me and smiles weakly as though to say,
"isn't it a shame i'm still so perky and hot and have a job
and this poor girl is wearing two different socks and talking to an eggplant?"
i smile very widely at her,
baring all of my teeth,
for about 30 seconds before she gets uncomfortable and walks away.
i bike home, with my eggplant.
and i'm thinking about all the things
i might make for dinner tonight and
i begin to feel great again.
i'm going to cook myself a fabulous meal
and get dressed up,
and put on liquid eyeliner.
tonight i am also going to learn how to apply liquid eyeliner.
i buy some wine at the liquor store
and bike home with my eggplant in the basket, and i whistle about
feeling good, and not feeling like a failure,
even though i've kind of been feeling like a failure lately.
because i'm thinking that people who whistle are happy, and people
with eggplants are responsible, and people on bikes are healthy
and i am therefore a happy, responsible, healthy person.
then i see my most recent lover
in front of my apartment building, and i'm like
"oh shit, there he is, coming back to be in love with me again!
and i'll be like, oh, whatever future ex-husband, i don't need you.
i'm so over you, and you were the worst lay ever."
i imagine him trembling with my violent delivery.
but wait! what is he doing?
that's not even my apartment! that's so weird,
because my friend lives there, he doesn't even know her...
oh my God, did they just make out?
what is he doing?
i wonder if he knows that's not me!
so um, should i go inside? or should i just
stand here behind the shrub in front of my apartment?
holding my eggplant?
in my helmet?
i go inside, and watch them through the window
for about a minute and a half before they
go into her apartment and close the door.
so i sit on the stairs and blubber for a little while
holding my eggplant,
wearing my helmet,
in front of the window
with the door open
until the mailman comes and is all like,
"are you okay crying girl wearing a helmet embracing an eggplant?"
and i'm like,
"no, mailman, this has been the worst day ever."
he sympathizes, hands me a stack of mail and
says, "cheer up! you have an eggplant!"
and it's like he knows what that means.
i get up and walk inside.
i think, "alright kiddo,
this is it. you're gonna make some eggplant,
and you're not gonna care how far his tongue
is down her throat, even if he's tickling her uvula
as we speak. nope, not you, you've got eggplant to think about,
and this is your night." and then i think,
i hope that both of them get dysentery but then i decide
to unthink that part, because the new me, doesn't think bad thoughts
about people even if they are bad lays or have unseemly adult acne.
i go to the kitchen and plop my eggplant
on the table and take out all of my supplies.
a better person would say,
"look at all of my options!"
but i'm not that savvy.
i suddenly realize i have no idea what to do with my eggplant.
i get my knife and lay him,
i mean the eggplant
on its side and i'm about to go through with it, but
then,
it was like, i was cutting up the only thing about my life that
makes any sense! and it seems really illogical all of a sudden
to be so close to my eggplant with a knife when it made me so happy all day.
so i decide instead to order some eggplant pizza
and to watch a movie with my eggplant, and a six-pack
until i get tired, and feel ready for bed.
but just to be safe, before i turn in for the night,
i decide to draw some grotesque images of
my most recent lover's small penis and stick them all over his windshield
with duct tape and go to bed feeling good about my life.
and then i get out of bed
and brush my teeth,
and then get back into bed,
my eggplant keeping watch at the night stand.
