Shall We Go to the Seaside Dear?
That moment when the wife suggests a day trip to the sea
A picnic on the beach she says, the kids and you and me
We'll have to take the dog with us, he'll feel left out at home
He gives me quite a baleful look while chewing on his bone
I've rammed the car to breaking point with all the "stuff" we'll need
The wife plans like the SAS, a military type of breed
Not sure we'll use the climbing gear, with ropes and carabiners
Tucked neatly in beside pork pies and bottles of Ribena
We set off hale and hearty, full of joy and larks ahead
At least that's how I'm spinning it, in truth I'm full of dread
From bitter past experience, these days are usually cursed
With one of us at least requiring doctors and a nurse
The journey sets my teeth on edge, each shattered nerve is frayed
If one more song is sung today my mind will go astray
And someone needs to own up to a methane fuelled attack
The dog's been blamed, I'm not convinced it's coming from the back
The kids insist on I-spy, not that easy while en route
The smell of canine vomit rises slowly from the boot
"We're nearly there," the wife chirps up, attempting to appease
Amidst the cries of hunger, thirst and needing to go wees
And there my salty nemesis, on horizon line ahead
Once parked up we all disembark and pitch our pop up tent
We've emptied bowels and bladders and the dog's perked up at last
From half a can of Lucozade and chewing verge side grass
In record time, the kids are changed and off to brave the sea
Now time to sit in stripy chair and have some time for me
But not before I've hammered in a windbreak round our patch
The wife insists on privacy, with mallet I'm dispatched
Just as I ram the last pole home, an ice-cream van arrives
Alas my children spot it and they stampede to my side
A fortune spent on cones and flakes, my work is not yet done
I have to build sandcastles now, beneath the sweltering sun
They're not content with one between, I'm told they need one each
At this rate, I'll use half the sand along this blessed beach
But by the time I've finished, old King Arthur would be proud
And rather smug I look around to see I've drawn a crowd
It's not my skills in architecture everyone's admiring
The dog has cocked his leg and filled the moat, it is transpiring
One child thinks it's hilarious, the other's apoplectic
We watch the turrets tumble down, the dog has gone and wrecked it
To diffuse the situation, I rush off and buy a kite
We'll skip along the sea front as it glides along in flight
My offspring pull a tad too hard and sends it into spirals
It whacks a lady on the head, the video's now gone viral
We take off to the water's edge at quite a rate of knots
Pretending it is not our kite which has her seeing spots
But as we hide amongst the waves, a crisis to avoid
In front of us with kite in mouth the dog has just arrived
I try to shoo the hound away, then look in utter horror
For caught up in the trailing string the lady's had to follow
He's dragged her feet first down the beach, she's turned a shade of puce
I crawl out of the sea to try and offer an excuse
Then from her prone position I can see that she is laughing
And others who have jogged behind are frantically photographing
I look at where their lenses point and see a crab attached
It's hanging on quite tightly to a place it shouldn't latch
In fear of losing crown jewels, I am quick to extricate
My whimpering has unnerved the dog, he thinks I'm in a state
The trusty pooch leaps in my arms, he has to rescue me
Despite the fact he nearly drowns me head first in the sea
Then off he runs a soggy mess to terrorize a child
He licks its new Cornetto and the parents have gone wild
I look around to see the kids have drifted off to sea
They're waving from a dinghy half a mile away from me
The coastguards give a lecture as they bring the children back
I pop the ruddy dinghy, and the kids scream that it's flat
And as the RNLI head off back towards their base
Just sitting on their boat stern is a furry little face
The dog retrieved, the children safe I'm now a nervous wreck
The wife wakes up from sleeping, claiming this the best day yet
My torment deepens looking at her, red from head to toe
The fact that she has burnt to crisp will be my fault you know
The day is at an end now and relief has got me weeping
I load up fractious children in the hope they'll soon be sleeping
The dog is snoring in the boot, exhausted and at peace
I'll be hoovering out the grains of sand for the next six months at least
