The ASBO Kid
A modern retelling of "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes
It was kinda windy and the trees were blowing about.
It was dark because it was nightime, so the moon was out.
The road was a bit untidy, full of wee and rubbish and grub.
And the ASBO kid came riding,
Riding, riding,
The ASBO kid came riding, on his moped, up to pub.
He was wearing baggy trousers with a New Era cap on his head.
He had a diamond earring and his hoodie and his trainers were red.
His trousers were so baggy they almost made him drop
And you could see his boxers,
His yellow spongebob boxers,
Spongebob on his boxers, bought from a novelty shop.
He stumbled up to the door, after finding a place to park.
He wanted to buy a pint, but inside the pub was dark.
He shouted up at the window and who leaned out in her underwear?
The landlord's busty daughter,
His lemon squeezy daughter,
Putting more peroxide into her long blond hair.
Hidden in the whiffy alley, sitting in old entrails
Bill the hobo listened, nibbling at his black toenails
His eyes were crossed and crazy, his hair was greasy and grey
But he fancied the landlord's daughter
The landlord's busty daughter
Nutty as a fruitcake he listened, and heard the delinquent say,
"Give us a kiss sexy, and later we'll have a fiddle,
When I get back with the vodka and money what I stole from Lidl.
But if the coppers spot me and chase me all 'round town,
Then I'll come back tomorrow,
Make sure you're here tomorrow.
I'll defo be here tomorrow, even if I might get sent down."
Then he climbed up the drainpipe, without stopping to think.
He grinned at the ample temptress and then gave her a wink
The smell of sweet peroxide made him gag and gasp
Then they snogged to the sound of dubstep
Oh that heavenly dubstep
He started his ped to the sound of dubstep and rode away real fast
He didn't come back that night, or the next morning
And when it got to night time and the drunks had begun to sing,
Busty looked out the window and almost started to blub,
Cause the boys in blue came marching,
Marching, marching.
The met police came marching, right into the pub.
They didn't say nothing to the landlord; just showed him a warrant instead,
"His daughter knows the culprit. We'll wait for him here." They said.
They had a few questions to ask her, they had tasers at their sides.
They stationed a man at the window,
She attacked the man at the window,
To stop him looking out the window and seeing the way ASBO would ride.
They handcuffed her to the bed rail, they weren't polite at all.
They took away her mobile, in case he tried to call.
"Now behave yourself!" they told her. But she heard the jailbird say,
"I'll come back tomorrow,
Make sure you're here tomorrow.
I'll defo be here tomorrow, even if I might get put away."
She tried to get free of the handcuffs but they were really good!
Then she had an idea and reached out as far as she could.
She stretched and strained in the darkness, she was scared she'd run out of time
Then the clock chimed midnight,
She couldn't believe it was midnight,
When she felt her fingers touch it, under the pillow was her hidden M9.
Her other hand was handcuffed, so the gun was in her left.
She would have to put it in her right hand, when she thought the time was best.
She would have to do it quickly, in case they came in and saw.
He would probably be here soon.
She thought he would be here soon.
She hoped that he'd be here soon so she didn't have to worry no more.
Vroom, vroom! Vroom vroom! Did they hear that? The sound of his engine's whine
Vroom, vroom! Vroom vroom! In the distance! It was only a matter of time.
Down the untidy road and straight into view,
The ASBO kid came riding,
Riding, riding,
The boys in blue were hiding and she got ready, the dozy moo.
Vroom, vroom! Went the little moped! Vroom, vroom! It squealed in the night!
As he got closer and closer, she gripped the gun real tight
She planned to aim the handgun, at the watchman's head,
But then she touched the trigger,
Her finger slipped on the trigger,
She slipped and pulled the trigger, and killed herself instead.
The sound of the gunshot warned him, so he turned and rode away.
He didn't know what happened until he got the news next day.
He went and bought a machine gun, without a second thought.
When he heard that the landlord's daughter,
The landlord's busty daughter,
Had shot herself with an M9, to stop him from getting caught.
He speeded to the pub, like a madman. The police found out I s'pose
Cause they were already there waiting with ARVs and SFOs
In one hand he held the machine gun, with the other he steered his ped,
When they shot him dead in the high street,
Dead like a thug in the high street,
And he lay in his blood on the high street, A new era cap on his head.
They say, sometimes in winter, when the trees are blowing about.
When it gets to night time and it's dark and the moon is out.
When the road's a bit untidy, full of wee and rubbish and grub.
The ASBO kid comes riding,
Riding, riding,
The ASBO kid comes riding, on his moped, up to pub.
He stumbles up to the door, after finding a place to park.
It's good he doesn't want a pint because inside the pub is dark.
He shouts up at the window and who leans out in her underwear?
The landlord's busty daughter,
His lemon squeezy daughter,
Putting more peroxide into her long blond hair.
(ASBO: antisocial behaviour order)
