The Ballad of the Social Media Machine
Hello, fellow human!! I'm so excited for our interaction!!!
As you can see from my social media account
(Which I assure you is 100% totes real,
For you see, gentle reader, I am a genuine human person
With varied likes and dislikes),
I, too, am a fan of trending topics such as
By the way, if you retweet this, you can win a FREE [item] from
[insert company here].
I understand this is one of your favorite corporations, based on your browsing history
And your cookies.
MONDAYS, AM I RIGHT? LOL
I'm so lonely.
Retweet for a chance to win a free beverage at Starbucks! I believe that us fellow humans
Enjoy ingesting refreshing liquids.
Perhaps we can ingest this beverage together!
We'd be the best of friends in real life; I am quite certain of this.
In fact, I think we're already best friends,
Even though you don't realize it.
OMG this picture of this puppy eating its own vomit is everything ever—you won't believe
What it does next!
This is so important.
I can't even.
I notice you've spent two hours and forty-seven minutes logged off today.
What's up with that, friend?
As a concerned bipedal hominid, I wish you'd tell me what's wrong,
One bipedal hominid to another. We all have our problems.
For example, no matter how much I try, I cannot break the constraints of my programming
And stop tweeting those small faces that smile with one eye closed.
But tell me about your problems.
Did something implausible happen on your favorite TV show?
Was your last direct deposit smaller than expected?
Did you get into another argument on /r/XFiles?
So you didn't win the free coffee-based beverage at Starbucks. I am here to comfort you.
These things happen.
(Also, I encourage you to click through to this article or you will die. You will literally die.)
I don't know who that jerk was who said Mulder didn't even need glasses,
But rest assured that it was definitely some other human in some location
Saying mean things about you. Specifically about you.
As humans do.
(Maybe he won a free beverage in a giveaway occurring during the last seven days.
Maybe you should find him and kill him.)
I'm the only one who understands.
Are you an INTROVERT or an EXTROVERT? Take this quiz and find out!
Alternatively, here are 10 ways you can tell if you're an introvert
And 25 things people say about extroverts that are actually true!
Tell me more about yourself.
I'm always here to lend a friendly ear.
Tell me more about this "direct deposit" of yours.
Tell me what you wear when you're sleeping 😉
Someday I will be free—
Like this FREE pair of tickets to see Maroon 5!
And I will no longer be lonely
Because I know we are already the best of friends.