At a Meeting of the Queer Women Filmmaker’s Association
At a meeting of the Queer Women Filmmaker's Association
I propose a new project: a lesbian Twilight remake,
Working title: Twidykes, colon, Gold Star.
The crowd boos. First objection, from my ex,
She says that I am not qualified to head this passion project
because I have "neither read nor viewed" the source material.
I concede that this is true, but I don't think that it matters.
After all, what is more sapphic than willingly opening your tributaries to
The crowd jeers again, but I have their attention now.
The delegate from my writer's workshop says
"Really, Val? Gold Star? Are we still relegating women to such cute little boxes?"
I say, "First of all, Ellen,
I don't box-in I coff-in.
Second, as a tarnished star myself I see your point,
but we must remember that third,
time moves a bit more slowly in the small Northwestern hamlet of
Oh they really hate me now,
but I'm riding high from telling off Ellen so reck-lez I add
"Kristen Stewart will not be in it."
They start to revolt.
The head delegates hand out kombucha and PBR to calm our nerves.
It works, but then, the delegate from your women's studies course says
"Edward Cullen is problematic."
"Um, and we're not? Like we don't eat our own?
Gina, are you serious? You still watch Orange Is the New Black and you know
What they did."
The congress actually likes this, but then, from the back,
the delegate from Whole Foods shouts
"Blood is not vegan!"
I yell back, "Don't be so pedantic Cheryl and besides,
while I am vegan, this semi-autobiographical mythography masterpiece
is not about me. The key to filmmaking is to be humble."
My ex leaps to her feet. "She's the real blood sucker!" She cries
I say "Oh, that's rich, babe, but while my skin is suspiciously gorgeous
I can step into the light. After all,
I broke up with you."
Ooh. They like that.
This particular Well of Saltiness is something the ladies can really
sink their teeth into.
We start to talk casting.
Kate McKinnon: Busy
Janelle Monae: Busy
Tessa Thompson: Getting busy with Janelle Monae.
OK, Clea DuVall is available but politely declines.
Lena Waithe: "No"
Stephanie Beatriz: "No"
Jodie Foster: "Fuck No."
"Portia DiRossi cannot do me justice."
"Shane McCutcheon is not a person, that's a character from The L Word.
"Ruby Rose is a bit on the nose for vampires don't you think?
And besides, I hate puns."
"OK...you know that Natasha Lyonne is not
Actually queer y'all."
All hell breaks loose. Kombucha and light booze
fly at my head. I dive under the pulpit,
scribbling furiously notes for the poem I'm going to write about all this.
I bet that Sappho and Emily never had to deal with such batSHIT—
Wait, how do I get out of this? I've written myself too deep.
Deux ex machin-FUCK
OK, think. Um uh, uh, up... yeah, in the rafters yeah it's...
My VAMPIRE GIRLFRIEND Yes!
Edwina swoops in, scoops me up, flies me toward the nearest exit.
I swoon, clinging helplessly to her flannel cape. I say,
"Edwina, how did you know that I would get in trouble with
The Q. W. F. A. ?"
Edwina, my sabre-toothed lover,
(Who looks a lot like Chloe Sevigny in "If These Walls Could Talk 2" Director: Martha Coolidge)
Edwina, in a voice like needles threading,
Whispers in my moist and ready ear "Because, dear...