Gregg’s First Pizza Hut
Illustration by Annie Mydla using Shutterstock AI
I want Gregg Wallace to be as impressed with me as he is by a biscuit factory.
He's meeting me for dinner at the local Pizza Hut off the A14.
It's Valentine's Day and this is the hottest I've ever felt.
I've worn my best dress, low cut, black, silky.
I spot him at a table for two. My little egg man.
Ignoring the women covering their children's eyes, I saunter in.
Hey you, I say, leaning in for a kiss. He's in the middle of a conversation about the ice cream machine.
NO WAY, THAT'S AMAZING he bellows, clapping his hands together like a sweaty seal.
I sit.
ICE CREAM COMES OUT OF THAT MACHINE? He stares at me, eyes wide.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THAT MACHINE RIGHT THERE. ICE CREAM. AND THE TOPPINGS, BLIMEY!
Politely, I ask for a menu. He leans back into the ripped leather seat and takes a deep breath like he's already full.
The last time I saw him this impressed was when I introduced sex toys to our relationship.
Shaking his head in disbelief he whispers that might be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I am silent. I glance at my breasts to check they are still there.
We order a pizza with normal crusts (he's not ready for stuffed crusts yet).
The waiter places down our empty glasses.
I ordered a Diet Coke, he says, confused.
The waiter gestures towards the drinks machine.
Like the child from The Exorcist, Gregg turns his head slowly towards me, the corner of his mouth curls into a grin and there's a glint in his eye which I do not like.
Dramatically, I get up.
All the children stare at me.
I've ruined Katie's 7th Birthday Party.
She slowly rips her Spiderman themed menu in two. Straight. Down. The. Middle.
Why don't you love me Gregg I whisper.
Outside in the rain, the motorway rushes past.
Longingly, I watch him mix Coke, Fanta and Sprite.
Wishing I was the straw between his lips, I press my body up against the window.
LOOK AT ME I sob.
But he can't hear me through the rain soaked glass, he's transfixed with the salad bar.
It's too late anyway now, I've fucked it.
