My Kingdom for a Horse!
Joanne Lichtenstein
Tom Howard/Margaret Reid Poetry Contest 2014 (view all the winners)
Honorable Mention, Margaret Reid, Traditional Verse
(By 'Ann Arnamus')
A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse!
I'm sure you know the line, of course!
Such a! Cliché!
Was fitting back in its heyday,
But, we need a fresh translation
(Luckily my avocation)!
I'm certain Shakespeare would be pissed
That I've imposed a modern twist
Upon his timeless, classic tale,
Which, frankly, has grown rather stale!
To enhance its flow and movement,
I have made a vast improvement
With this novel adaptation,
Which, in my own estimation,
Reigns above that nonsense prattle
Of daft kings engaged in battle
And ranting in some funny tongue—
Absurdly foolish and far flung!
Heed all those thous and haths—such fuss!
As if they'd really talketh thus!
I hope you'll find my rendition
Avant-garde in composition.
Let's proceed with this excursion:
My new millennium version...
My feet! My feet!
His kingdom for my feet!
He thinks that I've got sexy feet!
My feet! My toes!
He relishes massaging those!
He is quite clearly foot obsessed,
Which has been far too long oppressed.
He fondles them and also hails
The colors painted on my nails.
It's odd! I know!
To suckle on somebody's toe,
But I don't think about it twice;
My feet are really rather nice!
So it's all right! It's quite okay!
The shoe is fitting anyway!
My thighs! My thighs!
His kingdom for my thighs!
He says that I've got luscious thighs!
What a! Surprise!
That anyone should like these thighs.
It's really most unfortunate
For they are disproportionate.
Much yo-yo-ing from plump to thin
Has made them prone to floppish skin!
Their feel is rather rubbery
And furthermore they're blubbery.
"But oh," he looks at them and sighs,
"They're just beautiful in my eyes."
Now I! Realize!
My upper legs are no great prize!
But that's all right! It's quite okay,
I like to hear it anyway!
My hips! My hips!
His kingdom for my hips!
He says that I've got roomy hips!
To birth! A brood!
Which really gets me in the mood!
Now what a silly, stupid guy,
Does he not know this doesn't fly?
"Oh dear!" he cries, "Just wait, hold on!
You've got my meaning down all wrong!
They are comely and inviting,
Frisking them is quite exciting.
They are the perfect width and spread
For doing naughty things in bed!"
I fear! He lied!
They are a little bit too wide!
But that's all right! It's quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
My bum! My bum!
His kingdom for my bum!
He says I've got a scrumptious bum!
It's marred! It's flawed!
And there's so much of it, Good God!
He notes it's pert and sweet and round.
Oh please, it nearly hits the ground!
It's not remotely firm or tight,
It's covered up with cellulite!
But when he views it with my thighs,
This lusty sight delights his eyes.
An enticing combination!
(This fib's an abomination)
My bum! Divine!
So edible! Oh what a line!
But that's all right! It's quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
My breasts! My breasts!
His kingdom for my breasts!
He says I've got responsive breasts!
They droop! They sag!
Just like a worn-out cowhide bag!
Just look at all the stretch-marked parts,
They could demarcate road map charts!
He winks at me and pours the charms,
And says they're like a Coat of Arms
Upon my noble, regal chest,
My personal, own Royal Crest!
I doth! Protest!
I know my boobs are not the best,
But still I am just chuffed to bits
To hear nice things about my tits!
So that's all right! It's quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
My neck! My neck!
His kingdom for my neck!
He says I have a lovely neck!
If I! Recall!
It's only just two inches tall,
And covered with unsightly moles
And one or two quite fattish rolls.
Instead of dainty it is dense,
And furthermore it's always tense!
He says its feel resembles silk—
It tastes a bit of buttermilk.
He's mad! But heck!
I'll try to keep my tongue in check!
For that's all right! It's quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
My kiss! My kiss!
His kingdom for my kiss!
He says I've got a tender kiss!
My kiss! It's bliss!
He cannot get enough of this.
My smooch, he says, is erotic—
Bordering on the exotic!
The feel it gives him is sublime.
Does he not notice all the slime?
My lips! So soft!
Their touch sends him flying aloft!
My tongue! So swift!
It makes his manhood start to shift!
I perversely find it pleasing
That my kisses are so teasing.
I love to get him flaming hot,
Then! Suddenly! I'll pause for thought!
My kiss! Salacious!
Could it be? Well goodness, gracious!
If not, it's all right! Quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
My hair! My hair!
His kingdom for my hair!
He says that I've got silken hair!
Oh please! Just hush!
I do not even own a brush!
It constantly flops all around,
And loads end up upon the ground!
The glow! The shine!
But half the color is not mine,
And it's messy and disheveled!
But in this I really reveled.
I love how he gently lingers
With his magic stroking fingers,
Through my tousled, unkempt tresses,
Thus assuaging all my stresses.
So that's! Just fine!
He can forever play with mine,
And say whatever he deems fair
About my tangled, mousy hair!
For it's all right! It's quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
My wit! My wit!
His kingdom for my wit!
He says I have amazing wit!
Boundless! This wit!
A funny bone that will not quit!
But I comment willy-nilly
And am always very silly!
I often speak without design
And usually I'm out of line!
But oh! My gaffes!
They always cause him endless laughs.
He rolls round the floor in stitches
Trying not to mess his britches!
Subconsciously, it is my aim
To come across as if I'm lame
For being smarter than most men
I do not wish to frighten them!
It's oh! So kind!
Of him to compliment my mind!
It's quite all right, it's quite okay,
It's really very true, I say.
My all! My all!
His kingdom for my all!
He says that I have got it all!
My all! How droll!
Now I would say that on the whole
There is a vast, colossal stack
Of qualities I seem to lack.
While yes! My feet!
Are for the most part pretty neat,
Those other things: my monstrous thighs,
My hips and bum of mammoth size,
My sagging boobs, bad hair, short neck,
They make me feel an utter wreck!
In contrast there's my dazzling smile,
Those blushing, ruby reds tactile!
Their kiss, he calls so seductive,
Makes the rest seem more productive!
And it, of course, is such a perk
That all my bits appear to work.
And sh*t! My wit!
Is always an enormous hit!
I must say I rarely ever
Cease at being rather clever.
And, likewise, I'm aware my brain
Is quite supreme in this domain,
Despite the ignorance I feign.
I've flare! And style!
Such bewitching feminine guile!
I'm smart! I'm cute!
Now those are points I can't dispute.
When I add up all the pieces
Their shared value just increases!
I'm taken totally aback;
I make a rather charming pack!
And so I'd have to say, I guess
I'm really not so much a mess!
But still! And all!
To say that I have got it all
Might be perhaps over-the-top,
But please, my dear, don't ever stop!
It's quite all right! It's quite okay!
I like to hear it anyway!
So there! It is!
Because the idea first was his,
I have to thank old Willie S.,
Who scripted out with such finesse,
The primary, yet vapid, source
Of my inspired tour de force!
A horse! A horse!
My kingdom for a horse!
That line's now obsolete, of course!
