Rapunzel
Dedicated to the memory of Elizabeth I (1533-1603)
who was sometimes called The Virgin Queen and quite enjoyed it!
"It would please me best if, at the last, a marble stone shall record
that this Queen having lived such and such a time, lived and died a virgin."
(Elizabeth to Parliamentary Delegation)
"Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
Lafl mir dein Haar herunter!"
—Traditional
She stands in her Beauty, like a Rose Full-blown,
And she Sighs, all Ungarbed by her Window of Stone,
And the Wicked Wind Licks at her lightly Furred Belly,
And the Jealous Night Growls in its Lusting and Folly,
And the Trees twist their Branches while Craning their Necks,
And the Stones jump like Horny Toads hunting in Becks,
And around the Tall Tower, the Green of the Wood,
Wears its Late-Winter Chill like a frost-whitened Hood,
And the Beckoning Cry of the Wild Unicorn,
Haunts the slow, creeping Mist of the Magickal Dawn,
And the Gentle Maid moans, all soft and sweet Lilting,
And the Dream-glutted Stars (their August heads tilting,
Attempting to catch but the Drift of her Pleading),
Blush Crimson, like Virgins all Ravish'd and Bleeding,
For she cries for the Unknown and Wondrous Shaft
That Grows her by Two and Divides her by Half,
And she Yearns for the Frothing of Briny Seed,
While with round thighs asunder, she Fondles Her Bead.
Her Slender hands Tremble, and now she Explores
That Damp Golden Thatch hiding Lips Without Jaws,
And the Silvery light of the Unicorn's Moon,
With a brief, Lustrous Glance illumines her Swoon,
And she stares at The Dome with her Warm, Milky Gaze,
And small Tears of Yearning blur her Vision to Haze,
And her Red Lips now Part and she suddenly Gasps,
And her Turgid Breasts Bounce and her Bosom she Clasps,
And she falls to her Knees and she Prays to the Sky,
As she Hunts the Horizon with a Ravenous Eye,
"Askion, kataskion, lix, tetrax, damnameneus, aision,
Askion, kataskion, lix, tetrax, damnameneus, aision,[1]
Oh, Artemis, Mother, thou Virgin Queen,
Release me, thy Maid, from thy Punitive Spleen!
Release now thy Slave from her Lonely Bed,
And bring me The Shaft and the Cherry-hued Head!"
Now The Regal Moon hears and the 'plaint she Assays,
And she calls her Half-sister, "O Kypris [2], O Mores! [3]
Take this fair, female child beneath thy Wild Wing,
And make thou an Hierodule [4] fit for a King!
For she Begs and she Whispers and cannot be Still,
And her Eager lips twitch and she Batters my Will.
Day and night she but Welters in Dreams Wet with Bliss,
And she longs for the Hard Jaw, the Plund'ring Kiss,
She longs for Release from her Virginal Bed,
And she Begs for The Shaft and the Cherry-hued Head!
Her Graceless Mind lusts, and she cannot Reside
In Decorum and Virtue as befits Luna's Bride.
Do thou take her for thine own, O Pulchritude's Dame,
And make her the servant of Cytherean [5] shame!"
Now slow Undulates the tall Form of Venus,
And her hands slow their Stroking of Adonis' Penis
As she Calmly surveys the Heated Young Lass,
And she says with a Sniff, "Sister, Thanks, but I'll pass.
My Task-book is full with Wars Over Helen,
Young Paris is Bleeding, and Achilles' loud Yelling
Has given me Migraines for a Year and a Half!
I cannot be Bothered with yon lass's small Chaff!
Why not ask Father Zeus, he'll use his Divinity,
To relieve the Maiden of Burdensome Virginity
By turning Himself into an Eagle, or Dust,
So that he may Visit the Maid in her Lust,
Thus evading the Stern Marital Spyglass of Hera,
(Who goes about causing Trouble and Terror,
Since she cannot keep Dear Old Dad strictly Faithful.
But I'm sure The Old Chap will be Awfully Grateful!)
And if that sort of Encounter won't Satisfy,
There's always The Army on the fields of Fair Troy,
But unfortunately I cannot pay much Attention,"
Says Inanna, (her head Aching Badly with Tension).
"Aye me," now sighs Phoebe [6], her Heart Filled with Lead,
"It shall then fall to Me to see the Maid Wed,
Though to find her a Mate who will never be Weary,
Fills my Heart with Dismay, for my Search shall be Dreary!
'Tis well known that Men, in their Lusts, are but Fleeting,
And they ever seek Multiple Whores for the Keeping,
For they cannot but keep Sexual interest from Flagging,
For their Wives (who Forever their Husbands are Nagging),
So the men ever Wander while wives' Tongues Are Wagging
And e'er and anon some new Harlot they're Shagging!"
The Virgin Queen now takes to her Boudoir and Mirror,
And Brushes her fine Silver Hair with a Shiver,
For her Mild Spirit Quails at the Task that Awaits,
And yet she is Bound by her Loyal Dictates.
To Spurn the Young Lass in her Solitary Bed,
Fills the Soft-Hearted Queen with Unaccountable Dread.
She ponders her Fault with an Unstinting Talent;
Remembers well Taking the Child from her Parent,
And Placing her there within the Tower of Stone,
To keep her in Innocence, Bright and Alone,
And Untroubled Ever by Lust and Curiosity,
And to keep her All Chaste in her Youth's Virtuosity!
Now the lovely Diana her Whimsy Repents,
And her Onerous Task she now loudly Laments,
And she Sobs as she brushes her Silvery Hair,
And she calls to The Earth, and her Heart she lays Bare:
"Oh Gaia, for Long have I Spurned thy Great Voice,
Yet to thee I now turn for thy Help and Advice,
My Dilemma I declare to thee now, 'tis piteous,
Though I know thou didst Bring Forth that monster Tityos,[7]
When he Burdened his Dam with his Over-Large Size,
Thou didst Bring him to Birth on thy own Earthy Thighs!
And I could not Forget his Disgusting Appendage,
And I blamed thee the Most for his Lusting and Badinage,
And his Vast, Ugly Tool and his Sexual Carnage!
(I consider him naught but a Titanic Savage!)
And his Ferocious attempt to rape Leto, my Mother,
For which we Slew him, I and Apollo, my Brother,
And now the Foul Creature lies Stretched by Hades' river,
Where Ravenous Vultures e'er Feed on his Liver!
Yea, I turned against thee in Anger Acrimonious
When Athena did Foster your Royal Erichthonius
(I was filled with Disgust at his Father's Behavior
And my Irritation at your Contraceptive Failure). [8]
Dear Gaia, I beg thee now, Solve my Mad Puzzle,
While I loll on My Couch and Sweet Nectar I guzzle."
Now comes Gracious Gaia, and she Frowns and she Chides
The Flustered young Goddess. Her Annoyance she Hides,
When she spies Phoebe, Woeful and Drunk, disarranged,
Her Peignoir all Ruffled, her Shift Nectar-stained,
Her Sandals Untied, her hair Horribly Mussed,
Her Arrows Abandoned! Gaia sniffs in Disgust,
And she says as she smoothes the tossed, Silvery Curls,
"Artemis, thou Suffereth the Disease of Chaste Girls,
Who Fear the Hard Shaft and the Cherry-hued Head,
And view The Whole Business with Unfounded Dread
And thus in their Virginal Beds e'er Abide
And Scream, all Affrighted, when Suitors Arrive.
Now, I grant thee, 'tis true that Tityos was Big!
And of course, I agree he Behaved like a Pig!
But all men are not so Equally Endowed,
('Tis a mercy! for then women's Wombs would Explode,
As did Elara's, which is why I used all My Devices,
Although 'twas too late to Halt her Sad Birthing-Bed Crisis!)
The Truth is: for Size, few men's Praises are Sung,
The Fact is that Most are Not Very Well Hung!"
"Now this girl, Rapunzel (thy Ward, I believe),
She Desires to Give, and she Begs to Receive!
And simply because thou dost live so Chaste,
'Tis Unfair, such a Hot, Nubile Virgin to Waste.
I know just the Fellow to do The Job!
He's a Prince, not Uncomely (and he has a Big Knob),
I am Sure that she'll find him quite Largely Appealing,
Just have her Wear Something that's Flimsy and Revealing.
The Problem's to get him Up There to the Tower:
He'll need a Stout Rope to Ascend to Her Bower!
'Twill be Foolish, though, to Furnish a Rope for the Prince,
For then he'll Suspect that the Whole Thing's a Contrivance!
Instead we must Slyly provide a Stout Stair,
Without Spoiling the whole Scheme's Theatrical Flair!"
Now Korythalia sits up on her Couch,
And she Gnaws at her Lip and she Offers with Doubt,
"Will the Fair Maiden's Hair suffice for A Rope?
Its length is Amazing and she Scarcely can Cope
With its Endless Bright Coils all Golden and Soft!
('Twas hard to provide a good barber aloft,
And I Never was Good, Pragmatically Speaking.)
These Eighteen years Past I've been Worriedly Peeking
At the Lovely young Maiden, my Ward, Rapunzel,
And I often did Wonder if I had Done Well!
I admit I've felt Guilty about her Cumbersome Hair!
I should have tried harder! I know 'twas unfair,
But I just didn't Think of giving her Clothes.
I quite Failed in The Department of Haircuts and Robes!"
"Not to Worry," says Gaia, "You never quite know,
Such Oversights often enhance The Great Show!
I believe the Young Prince works out at a Gym.
A Rope of Gold Hair will be Perfect for him!
And All That Remains is to get them Together...
He'll be joining A Royal Hunt soon, in this Weather
He'll scarcely Resist! I'll Devise a Great Maze
Of trees and Dead Branches, and in a Chill Daze
He'll wander the Forest and come to The Tower,
He'll climb up, and then the Young Lass he'll Deflower!
This Story will have its Happy Ending,
You and I other Duties shall anon be Attending,
And thy Conscience shall soon be Greatly Appeased,
While the Prince's Lass learns of the Birds and the Bees!"
"But wait," pleads the Huntress, "It will not Do,
For the Fellow to Cheat as Men often do!
My Rapunzel's worth More than a Moment of Pleasure!
The child is my Gently Reared, beautiful Treasure.
I cannot Allow him to Wander and Breed!
Nay! I'll not Countenance such a Terrible Deed!
For the Fair Rapunzel must Have Him for Life,
And his only Affair must be with His Own Wife!
We cannot Allow him his Sexual Adventures,
While she plays Second Fiddle until she needs Dentures!"
"Alas, my dear Queen," states the Pragmatic Gaia,
"I have no Good Solution for this Sexual Quagmire!
The Problem is Men often Ramble and Roam,
While Women oft tend to the Children and Home.
Your Fair Rapunzel will soon be a-breeding,
And the Prince will be off on his Horse, fairly Seething
To win a New Conquest, and Forsooth, in a Trice
He'll be Humping and Bumping between her Fair Thighs!"
"Oh Nay!" exclaims Phoebe, now Sobbing in Stress,
"I Shall Not Allow sweet Rapunzel's Distress!
For though such philand'ring is sadly unfunny,
She'll continue to Love him, for Heart follows Cunny!
And I Will Not allow her to Join in his Folly,
(Some Women do cheat, and some Think it Jolly!
But alas! in The End, they get Hard Work and Brats,
And they turn into Rowdy and Dowdy Old Cats!)
We must save Rapunzel from such a Sad Fate,
This Scheme must be Foolproof before 'tis Too Late!"
The Two ruminate on this Complexity,
And Phoebe now Frowns in Perplexity.
She sulks, and she Pouts and she Leans on her Fists
While Great Gaia thinks Deep, sad Artemis Insists,
"We must, in Our Wisdom, a Fair Plan Devise!"
"I've Got It!" says Gaia, "Do away with his Eyes!
For his Eyes will e'er lead him to Stray from his Nest,
For man's Wand'ring Eye ever Follows a Breast,
Or a Jiggling Round Bum, or a lovely New Face,
And his Trousers his Ankles thus ever will Grace,
For he Follows his Gaze wherever it Falls,
And often, he'll Feel a New Itch in his Balls!
Do away with his Eyes and he Never will Balk,
And he'll Faithfully give your Rapunzel his Stalk,
And though she may Age and her Beauteousness Fade,
And her Belly grow Soft with her Childbearing Days,
He will stay Safe and Warm in her Marital Bed,
And keep Tucked in his Britches that Naughty Red Head!"
Now the goddesses Giggle, quite Happily Relieved!
The Solution now found, Good Humor's achieved,
By Incanting of Spells their Wild Magick is Wrung,
And the Scheme's put in Motion and The Trap is now Sprung!
And they Turn now to Gossip and Fashionable Views,
Each divulging The Latest Olympian News.
And afar, in her Beauty, like a Rose Full-blown,
Rapunzel still Pines by her Window of Stone,
And the Wicked Wind Licks at her lightly Furred Belly,
And the Jealous Night Growls in its Lusting and Folly,
And the Trees twist their Branches while Craning their Necks,
And the Stones jump like Horny Toads hunting in Becks,
And around the Tall Tower, the Green of the Wood,
Wears its Late-Winter Chill like a frost-whitened Hood,
And the Beckoning Cry of the Wild Unicorn,
Haunts the slow, creeping Mist of the Magickal Dawn,
And the Gentle Maid moans, all soft and sweet Lilting,
And the Dream-glutted Stars (their August heads tilting,
Attempting to catch but the Drift of her Pleading),
Blush Crimson, like Virgins all Ravish'd and Bleeding,
For she cries for the Unknown and Wondrous Shaft
That Grows her by Two and Divides her by Half,
And she Yearns for the Frothing of Briny Seed,
While with round thighs asunder, she Fondles Her Bead.
Her Slender hands Tremble, and now she Explores
That Damp Golden Thatch hiding Lips Without Jaws,
And the Silvery light of the Unicorn's Moon,
With a brief, Lustrous Glance illumines her Swoon,
And she stares at The Dome with her Warm, Milky Gaze,
And small Tears of Yearning blur her Vision to Haze,
And her Red Lips now Part and she suddenly Gasps,
And her Turgid Breasts Bounce and her Bosom she Clasps,
And she falls to her Knees and she Prays to the Sky,
As she Hunts the Horizon with a Ravenous Eye,
"Askion, kataskion, lix, tetrax, damnameneus, aision,
Askion, kataskion, lix, tetrax, damnameneus, aision,
Oh, Artemis, Mother, thou Virgin Queen,
Release me, thy Maid, from thy Punitive Spleen!
Release now thy Slave from her Lonely Bed,
And bring me The Shaft and the Cherry-hued Head!"
And Far in the forest, Lost within the Green Gloaming,
The Young, Handsome Prince on horseback is Roaming,
He's Weary and Thirsty and Chilled and Dazed,
And when he hears Singing, is sudden Amazed!
The Voice is so Sweet and calls to him Yearning,
And his Pulse is a-quiver, his Blood now is Burning,
"I Come!" he declares in the Sweet Maid's direction,
And soon he Beholds her! Delicious Confection!
There she stands in the Moonlight, in Lovely Display,
And Maddened with Want, he can Scarce Look Away.
He stands Stranded Below, Frustrated with Lust,
And he Cleverly Plots, for Reach Her He Must!
Now the Olympian Spell links his Brain with his Shaft,
So that the Young man Grows More Clever by Half!
And he calls to her, "Lady, release now Your Braid,
And I swift shall be with Thee, O beauteous Maid!"
And Panting with Joy, she releases her Tresses,
And her sweet voice Forever the Young Swain addresses,
And she sings for his Love and his Wondrous Shaft
That Grows her by Two and Divides her by Half,
And she cries for the Frothing of Briny Seed
While with round Thighs asunder, she Fondles her Bead.
He begins now to climb her Silk Rope of Hair.
From the Tower she beckons, so Lovely and Fair.
So near now, he catches Sight of the Luminous Girl,
And she Moans as she Parts the soft gold Nether Curls,
And innocently plays with her Dewy, Red Cushion
And his Trousers he Wets with his Warm Gush of Potion!
Now, the Shock of his Seed rushing out Without Warning,
Makes his Grasp grow Weak (for his Stomach is Churning),
And alas! he Falters, so near to his Prize,
And he Falls on Great Thorns and Loses his Eyes.
"Woe is Me," cries the Maiden, "Must Fate be so Grim?"
And she Jumps from the Window and swiftly Joins him,
And though Wounded and Aching from his Recent Foray,
He feels Naught but Lust! Shouts the Prince, "No Delay!"
He Holds her Fast, tossing his Armor away,
He engages the lady in skillful foreplay!
There in the Dim Forest he quickly Undresses,
And she, Nothing Loath, her Desire now Presses!
He flings himself down on her Soft, Pliant Form,
Full Measure he gives of his Hard, Thrusting Horn!
And his Entry Aggresses her Passages Tender,
But she Offers up all the Soft Gifts of her Gender,
And although she Bleeds she Kisses his Lips,
And Curves her Sweet Spine and Lifts up her Hips,
And they Sigh and achieve the Mountainous Peaks,
And the Winter now Fades and they gain Summer's Heat,
And between her Short Gasps and his Long-winded Moans,
They've small Breath between them, yet Together they Groan,
"Askion, kataskion, lix, tetrax, damnameneus, aision,
Askion, kataskion, lix, tetrax, damnameneus, aision,"
Bound by Lust thus they chant the Great Dictum of Magick,
(For their History was Sexy, e'en though it was Tragick!)
And his Blinded Eyes Weep with the Joy of her Love,
And he Tenderly Kisses his Young Prize. Above,
Olympian Eyes watch The Lovers and Witness
Humanity's Folly, Humanity's Bliss!
Notes
[1] Ephesia Grammata ("Ephesian words") are Ancient Greek magical formulas attested from the 5th or 4th century BC. According to Pausanias the Lexicographer, their name derives from their being inscribed on the cult image of Artemis in Ephesus.
[2] Kypris was a Greek Goddess and an epithet of Aphrodite, who was said to have risen from the sea from the island of Cyprus. Aphrodite's cult came to Greece from Cyprus, where she was known as Kypris (Lady of Cyprus). Other names for Aphrodite include Inanna (Sparta) and Venus (Rome).
[3] Word play on "O tempora o mores!" which is a famous sentence by Cicero in his First Oration against Catiline. It translates as "Oh the times! Oh the customs!" As used here, Artemis says, "Oh Venus! Oh the customs!" deploring the general immorality of those who forsake her virginal altars for those of the goddess of lust.
[4] One aspect of the cult of Aphrodite and her precedents was the practice of ritual prostitution in her shrines and temples. The euphemism in Greek is hierodule, "sacred servant". The practice has been documented in Babylon, Syria and Palestine, in Phoenician cities and the Tyrian colony Carthage, and for Hellenic Aphrodite in Cyprus, the center of her cult, Cythera, Corinth and in Sicily (Marcovich 1996:49). Aphrodite is everywhere the patroness of the hetaira and courtesan. In Ionia on the coast of Asia Minor, hierodules also served in the temple of Artemis.
[5] Aphrodite is also known as Kypris and Cytherea after the two places, Cyprus and Kythira, which claim her birth.
[6] Alternative names for Artemis include Phoebe, Luna, Korythalia and Diana among others.
[7] Tityos was a giant from Greek mythology. He was the son of Elara; his father was Zeus. Zeus hid Elara from his wife, Hera, by placing her deep beneath the earth. This was where she gave birth to Tityos, who is also sometimes said to be the son of Gaia, the earth goddess, for this reason. Tityos was a phallic being who grew so vast that he split his mother's womb and had to be carried to term by Gaia herself. Tityos attempted to rape Leto (Apollo's mother) at the behest of Hera and was slain by Apollo and Artemis. As punishment, he was stretched out in Hades and tortured by two vultures who fed on his liver.
[8] Gaia was also responsible for the birth of Erichthonius. Athena visited the smith-god Hephaestus to request some weapons, but Hephaestus was so overcome by desire that he tried to seduce her in his workshop. Determined to maintain her virginity, Athena fled, pursued by Hephaestus. Despite Hephaestus' lameness, he caught Athena and tried to rape her, but she fought him off. During the struggle, his semen fell on her thigh, and Athena, in disgust, wiped it away with a scrap of wool. She cast the wool on the ground, impregnating Gaia ("Earth"). Gaia gave birth to a son. She brought the infant boy to Athena, who named him Erichthonius. When he grew up, Ericthonius drove out Amphictyon, who had usurped the throne from Cranaus twelve years earlier, and became king of Athens.
