State of the Uterine
wearing yoga pants was not a most excellent decision
going to a vinyasa class likely could have waited
assuming the release of endorphins might have healing properties
I went
definitely colder rounding on to seventh from twentieth
my ears typically get so cold that they start ringing
after I find myself in a traditional winter wind tunnel
for longer than five minutes
my coat is long enough that my walking like a caffeinated penguin
should be less noticeable
not that I care much
in theory
despite a diet heavy in kombucha and kimchi
immune to my two daily shots of apple cider vinegar
waking up thirty six hours ago with the undeniable
irritation
there was a fluconazole pill in the bottom of the old padron box
where pharmacy extras resort to expiration
except for in this case where this slight itch could only mean
one thing
what injuries are common for men during sex can someone conduct a study
unintentional bruised uterus
has potential on a gastronomy menu
it sounds that stupid
fluconazole usually works immediately but thirty five hours later
distress and discomfort
the clinic on fourteenth is open until midnight
I think
waiting room is undoubtedly full of germs lurking on every surface
pick the chair that an ill person would be least likely to sit in
an impossible estimation but still
minor sleuth
in an examination room now shit it is the fifth
left foot rests on left knee to provide some breathing room between my legs
male nurse asks me to put my left foot back on the floor
okay
is a yeast infection worse than having hemorrhoids I want to ask him
I hope he won't be in the room if I need a cervical exam
his thin mustache is not charming and trump is already here in the room with me
on tv
oh splendid a british doctor enters with a female nurse
I have a bruised cervix this has happened before where the bruising is very painful
and then a yeast infection occurs and yes it is all very unpleasant
why is the tv volume on
another fluconazole really should do the trick
while trump is painting vivid imagery of mexicans army crawling over the border
with backpacks full of barbiturates this doctor is reciting a list
of infections
pretty sure it is merely a yeast infection but conduct your due diligence
refusing to panic about potentially having any one of the fifteen
infections this doctor thinks I am at risk for so dramatic
honestly
where do these urgent care clinic doctors come from
why does this state of the union sound like a twenty sixteen stump speech
jesus they never warm up the speculum and these speechwriters
are trash
while you are down there with a small flashlight could you at least tell me
does my cervix look torn and is there significant uterine swelling
on tv nancy seems to be uncomfortable
like me
as I lay reclined having not shaved my legs in three days
with an ice cold speculum revealing my cervix to a fear inducing british md
while I listen to trump's fear mongering dramatic diatribe
I feel mildly violated
take whatever swabs you feel inclined to my health insurance will cover
everything after my copay thank you for your thoroughness
can you please hand over the fluconazole
much appreciated
on tv I hear mention of an evil empire so I feel like it is possible baron is currently
a fan of star wars but he probably hates a new hope
which is sad
definitely
what will we do with this moment trump asks
to which the british doctor responds by briskly pulling the speculum from me without warning
it is comforting that even male doctors fail to comprehend what it might be like
to possess a vaginal canal
we do the incredible
we defy the impossible
we conquer the unknown
sure
pulling my annoyingly tight clothing back on
gagging because my clothes smell like a yoga mat and people are standing
and providing tremendous applause
but
I defied the impossible
I went into an urgent care clinic
I got the one magical pill I needed
I left in under an hour
the cervical exam by an incompetent doctor while listening to the voice
of our forty fifth president
I don't even need to stop at a pharmacy
I just need some kimchi
and a shower
and today I learned that my cervix is probably okay
and my uterus is not worryingly swollen
and
thank you
god bless you
god bless america
and good night
