Gerry Sears
(Or, lines written after Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
In Tantramar did Gerry Sears
A stately pleasure-barn construct,
Where he forgathered with his peers,
And they imbibed of local beers,
While babes on gui-tars pluck'd.
So twice five flats of fetid ale
Were quaffed with speed lest they go stale,
And there was vomit, and sundry riotous thrills,
Which all soon passed beyond their memory;
And there were pick-ups, ancient as the hills,
Jacked up on monster tires of glory.
But oh, the lustful rustic yearnings
With which Sears' nads were seething,
Along with beery gastric churnings,
As though his fast thick pants were breathing!
Retiring to the marsh to cogitate a while,
He soon resolved to take a likely slut
Into the shadowed forest off but not a mile,
And there, like the wanton savage they would rut.
Alas, shunned was he by both lass and luck,
and finding none who'd brave the woods and ice,
With girded loins betook him to his truck,
And there, desultorily, partook of solitary vice.
Tanked, and racing off without his saucy bitch,
A vision came to him about another chick.
But Sears' inconstant truck was landed in a ditch,
And he, on steering wheel, was brutal sick.
P'raps was bile, or Schooner made him stir,
For he indeed was then right out of 'er;
But in his dream upon an organ played
A vast and drunken type of Midgic maid
Whose grunted importuning formed a tune
That there re-builded Sears' barn with two by fours of air:
His redoubted barn! His bestest boon!
Where all would cry Brrr, Brrr!
On ATVs they'd shoot the loon,
While in their pants there frolicked mice,
With bales of hay a fitting bed
For he who on the rhubarb juice hath fed
And puked the milk of paradise.
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Notes
To elucidate some of the more rarified lingo used in this work, I include the following brief and abstract glossary:
Tantramar—A large boggy place in Canada which was celebrated in the poetry of Sir Charles George Douglas Roberts. Known for its barns, wind, mud, and other salient features.
Nads—Gonads.
Midgic—A place on the verge of the above boggy place, which being so remote, obscure, decrepit, and probably inbred, as to become an object of mirth and derision, not to say a byword for rustification, is a suitable birthplace for the ephemeral maiden of the poem.
Schooner—A brand of inexpensive lager, or beer, favoured by denizens of some of the above locales.
"Right out of 'er"—A state of intoxication, often occasioned by Schooner.
ATV—All Terrain Vehicle. A sort of noisy motorized tricycle, with four wheels to make it slightly more stable when driven by inebriates.
Sent as a joke to Famous Poets Society, this poem is a parody of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's "Kubla Khan".
