Ode to Two-Ply Toilet Paper
March 21st, in the year of our Lord, twenty-twenty
Written in posterity
Here I sit, brokenhearted
Thinking about how all this started
Penning this ode
Upon my commode
Underwear around mine ankle bone
Wondering if it's safe to dethrone
Anxiously I un-scroll
The very last toilet paper roll
Rationing each precious square
Cursing out that damn Charmin bear
As I sit on the loo and sulk
Lamenting. Why didn't I buy in bulk!?!
When news of the virus began to break
It taught us all to never take for granted or forsake
Although I thought there was no way this would affect me
And now I'm caught with my pants down quite literally
Then toilet paper was the first to go
And we were dealt a devastating blow
Some say COVID 19 is just all a big hoax
But being TP-less serves to make us all the butt of many jokes!
I'm mourning my dearly departed two-ply
And wondering just how long I'll have to drip-dry
I would weep, but even Kleenex is worth its weight in gold
I see it posted for three times the price on the black market where it's being sold
I'm currently the highest bidder on eBay for a six-pack of Cottonelle
So much for my daughter's college fund though. Say goodbye to Yale, Harvard, and Cornell!
Don't worry, junior college is just as good (and cheap), if not better
I think I may have already wiped with an acceptance letter
But better not tell her now, it'll just upset her
This is like some Twilight Zone cruel plot twist, right?
Any minute now, Rod Serling will pop up in the corner in black and white
And tell me it was all a cautionary tale, it'll be alright!
I tried, in all honesty, to install a bidet
But it flooded the bathroom, the bedroom, the kitchen, and somehow, the driveway!
Let's just say "Do-It-Yourself" did not go my way!
I continue to mope and bemoan
Now I'm doing the crabwalk off the porcelain throne
Being in this position feels so demeaning
Maybe I'll use the cat to wipe. Hey, they're basically self-cleaning
But then I ponder, angry cat claws and cat fuzz all up in my hoo-hah?
And say to myself, "Hell to the naw!"
Yet I'm still trying to think up
Something around the house that I can stink up
This is quite a mess
Maybe I'll use Mom's old wedding dress?
Among my laments and numerous gripes
I can't even get ahold of a container of baby wipes
I'm feeling sorrow and frustration, I'm feeling defeated
I'm feeling [I'm sorry, but expletive deleted]!
At this point, I consider my fate
F%#k it! I'd even wipe with a paper plate
Or steal my neighbors' hardcopy Sunday newspapers
Whew! I'm getting The Victorian vapors!
'Tis desperation to blame for these crimes
My sincerest of apologies to The New York Times
The comics and the crossword page should last me a week
Eyeballing the Peanuts gang as we speak
Yes, I'm seriously that out of whack
I'd sacrifice getting newsprint in my crack
This whole ordeal has me at quite a loss
Now, tell me please what's the answer to 17 across?
They say you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone
I don't know how polite society or humanity can possibly go on
The store shelves have all been barren for weeks
What I wouldn't give to feel that pillowy 2-ply softness betwixt my cheeks
Now it's a calculated risk thinking about each time you have to pee
Wondering if it truly merits the use of precious T.P.
Is this a two-square job or can I splurge with three?
They say this too shall pass
Tell that to the pulpy paper cuts in my crevasse
Can't believe we used to use it on Halloween to decorate trees
Our most precious of commode commodities
Behaviors that are most uncouth
Oh, the follies of carefree youth!
So unbothered by such strife
In the rearview mirror of life
And speaking of "rear" view
As I continue to review
Where things went askew
Maybe having Taco Tuesday and Chili Night
Back-to-back was a good idea at the time, but in hindsight
With my behind now in plain sight
I'm still taking an issue
With a lack of toilet tissue
At the mercy of my bowel
Can't even get half a Brawny paper towel!
Oh, Richard Dean Anderson! Save me MacGyver!
Did I unknowingly end up somehow on this season's Survivor?
To all the Hoarders and Doomsdayers, I plead and implore
Please leave at least a few rolls for others on the shelves at the store
Or I'll be forced to use the political flag in the yard next door!
I don't mean to grouse or snipe
But you've really crossed the line when you left me here with nothing to wipe
My kingdom for 2-Ply!
I could scoot my tuchus across the living room rug
But then I'd be a hypocrite in the eyes of my mixed Labra-Doodle-Shih Tzu-Pug
Whom just last week I had to chastise for the very same deed!
I hope the heavens smite you for your toilet paper greed!
Wait, is this some kind of past-life retribution or karmic payback?
Get me a leaf, preferably one that isn't poison ivy, oak, or sumac
Although, at this point, I know, beggars can't be choosers
Or be a poor sport or one of those sore losers
Mayhaps I have an old, crinkled, three-foot-long, CVS receipt in my purse
No toilet paper is the ultimate curse
Forget the virus, this is worse!
Or if this is just a twisted test, you win this round! Well played universe!
I've had it up to here
And down to there!
One can't just run around taking toilet paper all helter-skelter!
I'm plotting a heist of every stockpiled garage/basement/nuclear fall-out shelter
Too severe? Too extreme? I fear this has taken a real toll
I've written a whole poem on the toilet bowl!
Can someone at least loan me a roll?
You know I'm good for it, I will definitely reimburse
Quickly before I come up with another line of verse!
With compounded interest! I know!
Oh no, I'm becoming a toilet seat Walden, Keats, or Thoreau
I'm serious, I'll empty out my 401k in cash
I've already expended my car's glove box cache
Of fast-food napkins and moist towelettes
This is as desperate as desperate gets
I'd wave the white flag, but I fear I've already used that too
This is turning into quite an unpleasant scene
I'm using the latest issue of People magazine
And should I continue to be so vexed
My daughter's diary is up next
Along with some steamy old fanfiction
My, my! That's quite a vivid depiction!
I'm becoming a great debater
But wait...mustn't become a chronic procrastinator
Nah, on second thought, I think I'll save that for later
What? Don't give me those dirty looks!
Or I'm onto all four years of my high school yearbooks
It's all the same, either way
I'll make sure those hairstyles never again see the light of day
Oh, someone please, hurry! Time's running short
I'm down to my son's D-minus book report
Desperate times call for desperate measures
Now I'm making a mental inventory of family treasures
At this rate, it won't be long now before one befouls
Great-Grandmama's heritage, heirloom, hand-embroidered tea towels!
I'm really trying to maintain my composure
Though I may get arrested for indecent exposure
But I'm tempted to run across my neighbor's lawn
Bare nekkid at the butt crack of dawn
With the sprinklers on full blast
The early risers getting an eyeful as I run past
Some agog and some aghast
Galloping majestically, my birthday suit on display
I know it sounds cheeky, but it's like nature's bidet!
I kind of hope I'm arrested, full disclosure
Maybe then I can get some closure
Because in prison, there'll be T.P.!
And although it may only be a ply of one
One-ply is better than none
Please come back to me!
I'm sorry for all those times I flushed and ran
Every time I had to vacate the can
Never fully stopping to appreciate
How much you did facilitate
I never will forget
Sweet tissue of terlet
I should probably enact some censorship
In the details of our...er, intimate relationship
But dear two-ply, you know it's true
My hole can't be whole without you!
Oh, toilet paper, ply of two!
My nooks and crannies can't be springtime fresh
Without our usual bathroom sesh
Two-ply, if only I could hold you again, oh!
I'd hold you so close and never let go
It would bring a tear to my eye
If at last we were reunited, you and I!
Until that day, I will wait impatiently
Continuing to extol your merits liberally
We were meant to be, I simply can't deny it
But for now, I should try to limit the fiber in my diet
Finding some humor in this asinine situation
Trying to avoid the inevitable underwear striation
Still without a paddle, up sh*t creek
I wonder if this is what Jesus really meant when he said, "Turn the other cheek"?