The Hunt
There are times in a man's life
Where he must sigh
With exasperation
And simply declare
With authority
That we are having Thai food for dinner
And during the protests
From his girlfriend
He must remind her
That she did not
At any point
Suggest even a single alternative
Additionally
He must remind her
That she really likes spring rolls
From the other place
And the spring rolls from this new place
Are likely the same damn thing
And when finally
She concedes
He must then place the phone call
Under close supervision
Just in case
He manages to screw this up
The phone may ring
For several seconds
As he just sits there waiting
Under close supervision
Just in case
He manages to screw this up
And when finally
The restaurant
Decides to answer their phone
The man must try
His hardest
Not to screw this up
The man may ask
If he could please
Have two orders of spring rolls
And at that time
His girlfriend
May start waving her hands
As if to say
"You've managed to screw this up"
Why would we possibly need
Six total
Spring rolls?
That's three each
The man must then
With admirable calmness
Ask if he can correct the order please
And just have one order
He must have been
Entirely out of his mind
Despite his mistake
The man must persevere
With the order
And get another small dish
Let's say hypothetically
It's the chicken satay
And when his girlfriend
Raises her eyebrows
Skeptically
The man must try
With all his might
To pretend that he does not see her at all
The man will know
In that moment
That satay is just chicken
On a stick
With sauce
Not even a child would refuse it
The restaurant might
At that time
Ask if there will be anything else
And the man
Chest high with optimism
Might order a roast duck
Now it's important to understand
That in this particular
Entirely hypothetical scenario
That the man's girlfriend has never
At any point in her life
Eaten duck
And as you may imagine
The man's girlfriend
Might take issue with this particular decision
After all
She has never had duck
And is repulsed
The man must press on
And confirm
Extremely politely
That this completes his order
And that twenty-five minutes is fine
And that he will see them then
And when the call is over
Boy might he have
Some explaining to do
Why would he
Order a duck?
The man must be entirely out of his mind
But the man
With admirable dismissiveness
Must remind his girlfriend
That he knows about good food
Does she not remember
The Lebanese place?
And this might
For a moment anyway
Sedate his girlfriend
It would be foolish to get too excited yet
But for now
He seems to have gotten away with this
And eventually
In good spirits
The two may leave to retrieve the food
And probably
At that time
His girlfriend will be driving
It will likely go entirely according to plan
At the restaurant
He may decline
Extra hot sauce
But accept that weird
Pineapple hard candy at the counter
And the man
With trophies of the hunt
May practically strut back to the car
Duck in hand
Well
Duck in bag anyway
And it may smell great
Possibly the best duck odor
That the man has ever breathed
With subtle aromas
Of whatever the hell is in that sauce
And overtones of victory
The seven minute drive home
Will likely be
Fairly glorious
There may be Sam Cooke songs
And bear in mind
It absolutely reeks of duck in this hypothetical car
Back at home
The man will need
To select a few plates
But not those plates
Absolutely not those plates
The man must be entirely out of his mind
But when finally
At last
They both sit down to eat
It's likely that
Two truths
Will quickly come to light
The first thing
Glaringly obvious
Will be that the spring rolls
For all intents and purposes
Will indeed be
The same damn spring rolls as the other place
The other fact
Now completely undeniable
Will be that there are insufficient spring rolls
No one could know
How many more would have been enough
Perhaps one additional order
But the man
Engulfed in an absolute cloud of duck odor
Passing on the chance to have told her so
Reveling in what an easy win the satay was
Will begin consuming the duck
With nothing short of hedonistic depravity
He may even
At some point
Extend a forkful of duck to his girlfriend
Honestly one of the best forkfuls on the whole carcass
Chosen with care
And forfeited with palpable reluctance
Bear in mind
That this is all hypothetical
But let's say she likes it
At least enough
To want a little more
Or at least some more of that sauce
At that time
The man will have
Multiple options
One of which
Will be
To say he told her so
But that is not the ideal option
It would in fact be extremely foolish
To play that particular card
At this particular moment
In this particular
Completely made up and hypothetical scenario.
The path of least resistance
Would obviously be
To forfeit more of the duck
Without hesitation
Perhaps even gladly
Or at least without perceptible chagrin
And in that arduous moment
Rife with injustice
The man must brace himself
For the possibility that
His girlfriend may
Take this opportunity to say something absurd
And since he has
Fortified his mind
In anticipation of absurdity
It will not be difficult
To remain silent and simply nod
When she compares the taste to chicken
The man will know
And must acknowledge to himself
That this hunt has been a success.
He will have gotten to eat most of the duck
Which is really
The bottom line here
And when
At last
Only the bones of the bird remain
The man may notice
A mild but tangible
Twinge of residual hunger
Not necessarily
"True hunger"
But a lack of satiety
Which could very possibly
Have been quenched
With exactly three spring rolls
But in this hypothetical
Entirely contrived situation
The man may eat nothing else
And instead revel in knowing
That he has managed
Not to screw this up
