Crapper’s Delight
I said a slip, slop,
The baby to the baby,
To the slip, slip a slop, and you don't stop, or block it,
To the poop-poop sewage, say, out pumps the sewage,
Feel the rhythm of the movement, the heat.
Now, what you smell is not the best—
I'm parpin' to the beat,
And ew, the goo coming out my end,
Is gonna make your day complete.
You see, I am Diaper Dude, and I'd like to say hello,
To the crap, to the shite, the green and the brown
The runny and yellow.
But first, I gotta poop-poop, the newest load of sewage,
Say out pumps the newest of the poop poop sewage,
Let's slop, you don't stop,
Slop so slammin' it'll give your nose a shock.
You know by now my turds are choice
But I brought two friends along,
And next on the mat is my man Stink,
C'mon, Stink, poo that pong!
Check it out, I'm the B-E-S-T, the K-I-N-G,
Only wimps are D-R-Y,
You see I know by my load I'm the master of the slick,
And my motions'll make you cry.
You see I'm two foot one and I'm tons of fun,
When I mess myself with glee,
You see, I get through clothes like celebrities
'Cos I poop so vigorously.
I got bodysuits, I got twenty vests
That sure won't last the week,
I got diapers made of towelling and plastic pants that always leak.
Between each stool I take a belch and a drool,
Which really keeps them on their toes,
I got a brilliant trick, where I make sick
Come squirting out my nose.
Hear me barfing out breakfast, colic drops, mo' runny
Than a blender could ever blend,
Then it's time for some sucking and some more up-chucking
No rest 'til I've done it again.
Everybody go, you smell, poo smell,
Whatcha gonna do today? (Say what?)
'Cos I'm a get a nice drink, gonna fill my tank '
n' make every poor sucker pay.
Everybody go, you smell, poo smell, nappy wash bin,
Say if your bowels keep actin' up,
Then you're my kinda friend.
Mastered brown? Try yellow!
It's down to you, so whatcha gonna do?
Now cry on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on,
The screams don't stop until the break of dawn.
I said a M-A-S, a T-E-R, a poo with a double E,
I said I go by the unfortunate name
Of the kid they call Master Pooee.
Well, my name is known all over this house
By the cack-caked lady and her shitted on spouse.
I'm goin' down in history
As the baddest crapper there ever could be.
Now I'm squeezing out high and they're cleaning up low,
The brown stuff gets in between each toe,
I get it on my fingers and rub it like that
All over my body while I'm lying on my mat
And then damn! They start wiping' my back, I said
Damn! Legs right offa my mat,
Then they bend my bum high in the air,
They're wipin' off the good stuff to clean my derriere,
They're wipin' all the shit right outa there,
'Til my sure-shot pecker puts an end to the affair.
Now, it's not so long, just a baby dong
But I aim for their clothes just the same.
I got a little face, and a pair of blue eyes
And I've shit to do, lady, can't compromise,
Crying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on,
The screams don't stop until the break of dawn,
Crying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on,
With my slop slathered bot, the plop the plop dribble dribble,
Slop the plop plop, I just can't stop,
Bring your wipes y'all, give ya what I got.
I guess by now you'll have mopped up lunch,
With a smile 'cos I am the baby of the bunch
But that's okay, I've got more inside
'Cos all I'm here to do is just soil my behind,
Crying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on,
The screams don't stop until the break of dawn,
Crying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on,
Slop slop, y'all, throw-up on the floor!
I'm gonna leak out here, I'm gonna leak out there
I'm gonna stink you outta this atmosphere.
'Cos I'm king of my kind and I'll shock your mind
I've got TNT up my behind.
I said number ones, number twos,
Come on, lady, flush it down the loo,
Now look alive, y'all, I'll give ya what I got
'Cos I'm fairly swimming in my own sweet slop,
I said number ones, number twos, tell me Diaper Dude,
Whatcha gonna do?
I said a slip, slop,
The baby to the baby,
The slip, slip a slop, and you don't stop, or block it,
To the poop-poop sewage, say, out pumps the sewage,
Feel the rhythm of the movement, the heat.
A widdlieweecrotch, wet togs, oozy do-do
And guess what, Mama, I love you
'Cos you rock me and hold me and rock me some more,
You can rock me from ten 'til the clock strikes four.
I don't mean to nag and I don't mean to grump,
But I'd like some bottom butter on my baby rump,
Soak it up, baby buttocks!
Baby buttocks to the sewage, the poop-poop the sewage,
Feel the heat, excrete, it's unique,
Clings to your body and trickles to your feet!
[Bum break]
I said a slip, slop,
The baby to the baby,
The slip, slip a slop, and you don't stop,
Slop it out, baby buttocks to the sewage, the poop-poop,
The sewage to the sewage, the heat.
I said, I'll just wait 'til you've washed my cheeks,
Then I'm crappin' out a movement, just watch me excrete,
As I attempt to shit out all that I eat.
Just blow your mind, so you can't breathe
And do a thing but gag as you're mopping my feet,
And let it rise up in your throat, you're starting to heave
And then you finally barf up into your waiting sleeve.
Rest a little while 'til my next sweet treat.
I know a bub called Stink,
He craps more slime than a pen leaks ink,
So come on Stink, bring it on,
Feel the movement of the sewage, the poop-pooping bomb!
Well, I'm Babe the Rave, my Grandma's fave,
My siblings fight for my delight.
But I'm the Crapmeister with a capital C,
I shock their noses regularly,
And when they come back home, fresh from their schools,
I do the squeeze look and pump those stools
To make those suckers retch and to prove a point,
I'm the malodorous man, I'm the king of this joint!
A-from sun to sun and right through bath time
I push down and shite out a brand new crime,
Because they say my poo cycle never ceases—
I'm always working on fresh masterpieces.
I'm gonna fill my pants 'til you get the gist,
Now listen up, my story goes like this...
Well I was driving in my pram one afternoon,
A woman dived in for a private view,
She said she's heard stories and she's heard fables—
I'm a menace on the mat and changing tables.
This nosy neighbour was a frightful bore,
So I rocked more vicious smells than I never did before,
She said, "Damn, Baby, you've turned the air blue,
The Supernova legend must have been true,"
I said, "Out my way, lady, what's your game?"
Said, "I just stopped by to test your fame,
And you can beat off armies, you surely can,
The merest little sniff would kill Superman."
I said, "He's a chicken, easy to scare,
Flyin' from the smell in his underwear,
He may be very famous, and some say cute,
But he looks like a baby in a sleeping suit,"
I said, "He needs some boy toys on his vest,
Not a stupid S across his chest,
Bet he can't cry all through the night
And make his mama rock him 'til the early light.
He might impress you, you nosy old wench,
But I can blast you off with my super stench!"
Follow through yeah, follow through yeah,
Follow through yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah.
And it's here an' it's there,
My big bad stink, it's everywhere,
Just throw your hands up in despair,
I'm parping, farting like I just don't care,
Let's poo it, don't stop, y'all, a slip slop, y'all I don't stop!
Go, you smell, poo smell,
Whatcha gonna do today? (Say what?)
'Cos I'm a get a nice drink, gonna fill my tank '
n' make every poor sucker pay.
Everybody go, you smell, poo smell, nappy wash bin,
Say if your bowels keep actin' up,
Then you're my kinda friend.
I say slip, slide, what can I do?
You can't keep it in when it's coming through,
So I just let rip, and bust 'em out,
Learnt the best from Master Pooee how to shock the house.
It was twelve o'clock one Friday night,
Ma was rockin' me asleep, I was feelin' all right,
Dirty soiled clothes spread across the floor,
A lovely little trail of the crap I did before,
And then this sharp pain to drive a babe nuts
Came into my stomach, came into my guts,
It travelled deeper, burrowing down,
Mama checked me out and began to frown.
She laid me on the table, looked into my eyes
Then she groaned aloud and shook out some wipes,
So I said to myself, it's time for me to release
This griping pain in a new masterpiece,
And now people in my house, this one's just for you
A stinky crap to make you wannna spew,
Now coming right up is a number two
And let me tell you somethin', it's a helluva brew!
What a reek, watch for the streaks,
Running down my jim-jams, oozing to my feet,
From poos to parping, I'm rockin' all the moves,
Then I'll get wiped down, cleaning each groove,
If Ma wants sleep, she's gotta sort me first,
Nothin' like poopin' to work that thirst,
Now my system's empty and I need a drink,
So hurry up there with cleanin' my stink,
But let me tell you something; when you got it on tap,
Your guts start to party, you got to take a crap
And the whole thing starts over, on and on
So no sleep for Ma before the break of dawn.
And while I'm drinkin', I start to dream,
And think' 'bout the feel of my bottom cream,
The soothing touch on my behind,
To cool me down from my latest crime,
That number two, just doin' a poo,
Creamin' me up 'cos she knew she should
Keep the rashes and the heat off my bum cheeks,
Cools buttocks good, and saves my seat
From the rashes and the heat and the heat, the heat
To the bottom heat heat that chafes my cheeks,
From the rashes and the heat that makes you scream on
On 'n' on until the break of dawn.
Now I got a kid comin' on over—
He makes my mess smell like clover,
He goes by the name of Diaper Dude,
Come on Diaper Dude, do what you choose!
I say a Mumful of milk that's sweeter than honey,
She makes it for free so it costs no money,
Like to drain her dry to keep me wet,
Like to guzzle it down, take all I can get,
Like Dracula without the fangs,
Bite the boobie or the boobie and it's off to bottle land—
White coloured cream that don't taste as good,
Like a teat that's bobbing where a nipple should,
Like sitting' up and not snugglin' down,
It's enough to make this baby frown,
Just a teat, teat, makin' me freak,
Everybody don't suck and spit out the teat.
Have you ever seen older friends, what they eat?
Now that food just don't look good,
The jarred stuff's slushy, the peas are mushed,
And the asparagus looks like wood,
But they polish it off like they think it's fine,
There'll be none of that for me,
So hear me now Mama, I'm sticking with the white,
I ain't finished, nah-hah not me.
So if the jars start comin' from the baby food aisle,
Gonna show you that's the stuff I hate,
And my guts'll say, "No, that ain't real food
You're pilin' on my baby plate!"
While that porridge goo's steamin', my guts'll be dreamin'
Of the way they're gonna get it to leave,
And then I'll look at the plate 'til my stomach starts churnin'
Up my insides like liquid cheese,
My milk says, "That's it, I gotta leave this place,
I don't' care what you people think,
I'm just sittin' here waitin' for the glorious
Gushing out in one big stink."
It'll bust out my jaws all over my clothes,
Sweet slick from the milk I've drunk,
And Mum'll run to the bath to hose me down,
Like I'm a vomit spewing skunk,
And then in the end, two vests later
She'll see how it's to be,
And she says, "I understand about the food,
Baby Bubba, spewing out both ends."
With a slip, slop,
The baby to the baby,
The slip, slip a slop, and you don't stop, or block it,
To the poop-poop sewage, say, out pumps the sewage,
Feel the rhythm of the movement, the heat.
I say, "Stink, can ya plop?"
Can ya plop with the movement that just don't stop?
Can ya shit me to the oozy do-do?
I said, "Come on, make, make yer insides move!"
I coat up my balls each time I expel
Because I am the kid with the violent smell
And if ya ask me why I look so well,
It's my pong, I got violent smells,
And from the time I was only six days old
I never forgot what I was told,
It was the best advice that I ever had,
It came from my wise, dear old dad,
He said, "Wake up, son, I wanna talk to you
And don't start bawling until I'm through,
Now there's a time to barf, a time to spew,
A time to piss and a time to poo,
A time to break wind and a time to chill,
To scare us shitless when we think you're ill,
But however you play this baby game,
You never let another kid steal your fame,"
So from that day on 'til this very day,
I always remember what he had to say,
So when the other kids try to trump my style
I let them know that I'm versatile,
I got bile and mess and I'm a bottomless pit
That's filled with slime and all kinds of shit,
But the thing I do best is plain to see
And that is called a full nappy
Because my slime's a step up from regular turds,
I don't hang about, I poo quicker than words
And I'll be squeezing out some more, later on tonight
So the Mama machine better fetch some wipes,
A slip, a slop, leaking over my sheet,
y'all A shit storm, y'all, you can't stop.
You go, you smell, poo smell,
Whatcha gonna do today? (Say what?)
'Cos I'm a get a nice drink, gonna fill my tank
'n' make every poor sucker pay.
Everybody go, you smell, poo smell, nappy wash bin,
Say if your bowels keep actin' up,
Then you're my kinda friend.
It's like that, y'all, feel the heat, y'all,
Heat heat y'all, ya don't stop!
Mastered brown? Try yellow!
It's down to you, so whatcha gonna do?
Well, I like shopping channels on the Morning Shift
While my Daddy's cleaning up my latest gift,
Well I like the wind rumbling in my belly,
The scent of throw-up when it's at its most smelly,
I like it when I'm good and dry—
A nice clean vest and my diaper's fresh,
Cue slop and I don't stop,
Get off, ya'll, I'm here to give you what I've got,
Feel the heat, man, ain't it swell?
Such a smell, man, it makes you yell
And come alive, Dad, get on the case
And wipe that tired look off your face
'Cos I'm your special little tyke,
I'm pumping out fresh for your delight,
I'm movin' my bowels like you don't know how
Right to the shit that'll bring you down,
It's like comin' alive to Master Pooee
The baby who stinks so violently.
I started Day One, when I'd just begun,
By the end of Day Two I was spewin' up too,
By the start of Day Three, I was crapping with glee,
Gaggin' to the smells of the Master Pooee,
By lunch on Day Four I had them on the floor,
Holdin' their noses and retching up more,
When Day Five came I was killin' the game
For Master Pooee it was my ticket to fame,
When it got to Day Six I was a-shitting out bricks,
Crappin' like the best, my star was fixed,
By the start of Seven, I reeked to high heaven,
Don'tcha know I blasted off,
I gotta run right down to my feet you see,
Gettin' right on down, makin' all the grooves,
Stripping off my clothes to my feet, my feet,
To the poo-runny feet feet that makes Mum freak.
By the end of Eight, I was really great,
I screamed through the night, I poo'd and I ate,
And when it got to Nine, life was quite sublime
'Cause every night was my party time,
Crying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on
The screams don't stop until the break of dawn
I'm saying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on
Like my bot buttered on top top the poopstorm.
Crying on-n-n-on-n-on-on-n-on...
