One Morning When Stalin Was on Network Television
before we forget,
a birthday shout-out to Denise Duhamel,
one of our and I'm sure one of your favorite poets.
Happy Birthday, Denise!
Awwww, she's awesome.
We absolutely love her.
Yes, we love her. We really do.
She's so, so
Yes! Poetic. I love that. It's awesome.
Well, speaking of awesome,
our next guest has us very excited.
He sure does.
Welcome, please, Premier Joseph Stalin.
Is it Josef or Joseph? I'm never sure. And is it pronounced Yosef?
Oh, okay, only one name. Like Beyoncé, Slash and Sting.
Don't forget Venus. And Rhianna.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't Stalin mean steel in Russian?
So Stalin isn't your real name, then? Wow. That is sooo interesting.
In fact, one of our producers tells me that your
family name is actually Vissarionovich which if I'm not mista-
So many people choose to go by different names now, don't they?
I love that they can do that.
Me too. Love it. It's awesome.
What would be your name if you could pick something different?
Oooh, that's a tough question. April, I think. Yes. Definitely April.
April's a great month.
April is an awesome month.
It is. I love it. I really do.
It's not cruel at all if you ask me.
Totally not cruel.
But back to you, Joseph.
Ok, right. Stalin. Now some people say you have a lot of enemies.
But you seem really nice and I just love the mustache.
Me, too. Love it. It's awesome, isn't it?
It is quite the mustache I have to say.
So do you have, you know, like actual enemies?
People who disagree. No enemies.
I keep lists of disagreeing people.
Oh, like Do Not Call lists? You have those.
I have lists.
And we also hear the word purge a lot. Is it like binge and purge?
A kind of bulimia or anorexia thing going on maybe?
There's no shame in it anymore.
There isn't—and that's awesome. I love it that there's no shame.
So do I. Love it. It's awesome. No shame.
Especially if people are just constantly hungry? What's the word?
Famine? Or is it famished?
Yes. Famished. Definitely no shame there.
And what about this Holodomor?
It sounds like Voldemort. Is it something from Harry Potter?
No such thing.
Next Generation's Enterprise had a Holodeck.
No such thing.
Anyway, famished is awful.
It is awful. I hate it, although I hate to use the word hate anymore.
Isn't there already enough hate in the world?
That is so well put. I just love that. It's awesome.
Well, Joseph—I mean, Stalin—we want to thank you
for taking time to be with us.
Yes. We've heard so much about you. What a thrill to finally meet you.
Yes, a real thrill.
Your names, addresses and those of family members. I will need them.
Well, you already know our names.
Everyone knows our names.
I think what he wants is our Contact Information.
Oh, right. Sure.
That's exactly what he wants.
Our producers will definitely get that to you. Bye, Stalin.
Bye, bye, Stalin.
Wow, wasn't he great? And to ask for our Contact Information. So sweet.
Nobody sends Thank You Notes anymore, do they?
They do not. How terribly thoughtful of him.
Awww, he was awesome, wasn't he?
He was. Totally awesome.
We love him.