Slush Brown
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall
I can't see much in you at all
When I was young I stood up straight
But now I'm over ninety-eight
My eyesight's dim, my back is bent
From 60 years in banishment
To save me from a climbing chore
You should be placed upon the floor
"Now mirror, mirror, tell me true
Answer what I ask of you
On the floor or 'gainst the wall
Who is the hairiest of all?"
"O ancient queen, alas, it's true
Slush Brown is hairier than you
Her charming prince has long been dead
And just as well or he'd have fled
Her upper lip, her chin, her nose
Have hair that grows...and grows...and grows
Her ears would make a werewolf sigh
Her armpit hairs reach to her thigh.
Rapunzel, even, it is said
Lies green with envy on her bed
She heard it from her climbing prince
And hasn't spoken to him since
The dwarves are turning in their graves
And will revolve until she shaves
But with no men to flatter her
She has a maid to plait 'er fur
And so, my queen, it pains me so
To tell the truth but you should know
Although your hair is cause for glee
No woman's hairier than she"
"Slush Brown? That loathsome, curséd crone?
I'll make her hairy crown my own
My huntsmen don't have stomachs for
This kind of vile, disgusting chore
But shearers are a different breed
Those outback types sow rugged seed
They'll do most any job for pay
Her hair won't last another day"
And sure enough, the setting sun
Brought bags of hair—"I'll have it spun"
She thought, "Into a nice warm coat
For me to wear with pride and gloat"
That very night the coat was made
She crowed, "We'll have a grand parade!
A golden float with golden throne
Will celebrate this hairy crone
But first I s'pose I'd better check
To make sure there is not a speck
Of doubt that I am most hirsute
And it's a fact none can refute
Mirror on the wall and floor
Tell me faithfully once more
In light of all that I have planned
Who's hairiest in all the land?"
"Despicable and wicked queen
Those shearers really haven't been
As loyal as you thought they would
Nor done the things you hoped they could.
Though eager, as you know for pay
They looked at her and ran away
Their stomachs churning from the sight
Of nose hair half a woman's height
The hair they brought you in that bag
Did not come from your hated hag
They dug the dwarves up from their graves
And gave the seven seven shaves
A feat of some renown, I hear,
Revolving dwarves are hard to shear
That's why the hair they brought you smelt
Of Slush and her prodigious pelt
Slush Brown lives on, her hair still grows
Her eyebrows nearly touch her toes
And though you're hairiest round here
There's one more hairy still, my dear"
Enraged is clearly not the word
That well described this wizened bird
"Frenzypoplectic" might come close
She briefly weighed an overdose
And drugs brought to her Slush-crazed mind
Contrivance of a better kind
Some apples—they might do the trick
It's possible they'll make her sick
The potion in the cauldron stewed
While vengeance in her belly brewed
Her cackles of insane delight
Were heard throughout the noxious night
The apples poisoned on one side
Were nearly done, but then she sighed
"Brown's ninety with few teeth, of course
I'd better make it apple sauce"
Intent on Slush's swift demise
She donned a brilliant disguise
Appearing seventeen years old
Her apple-death was good as sold
And Slush remembered young Snow White
And how she took such great delight
In taking care of older folk
So when the tender maiden spoke
And offered apple sauce to eat
Slush thought, "How thoughtful—what a treat!
Someone who understands the plight
Of those whose hair is snowy white"
She tucked right in—spoon after spoon
The queen smirked, "She'll be sleeping soon"
But Slush kept guzzling on and on
Till all the apple goo was gone
"Oh my," she sighed, "That was so good
Please get some more, girl, if you would
The taste is ling'ring on my tongue
I feel so energized, so young"
"That recipe worked well back then
Why won't it flipping work again?"
The queen, frustrated, looked aloft
How was it possible Slush scoffed
The lot—the whole entire bowl
"I put my heart and evil soul
Into that dish to kill her off
It didn't even make her cough!"
But wait—if you thought she was vexed
You won't believe what happened next
Old Slush's hair—ear, chin and snout
In bunches started falling out
Her armpits too, her upper lip
Her legs from little toe to hip
Except the locks draped down her back
Which slowly started turning black
The laughter trenches on her face
Each disappeared without a trace
Along with all her road-map veins
And troublesome arthritic pains
Her spine uncurled, she stood up straight
She felt herself regenerate
Her mouth filled up tooth after tooth
And Snow White had regained her youth!
"O queen, how can I ever thank
You for the apple soup I drank
Your poison failed to injure me—
My body gained immunity
The last time, all those years ago
When you first tried to hurt me so
Instead of killing me today
Eternal youth has come my way"
By now the queen had no more rage
She'd lost her stamina with age
She left, defeated, in despair
And rode back home on Night, her mare
Much later, shuffling through her door
The mirror, now laid on the floor,
Excitedly proclaimed, "My queen!
You won't believe what I have seen
The news is grand, in fact, it's great
It's time for us to celebrate
A grand parade, perhaps a ball
You are the hairiest of all!"
And though she hadn't wept for years
The queen could not hold back the tears
She grabbed a candlestick of brass
And glowered down into the glass
"O moron Mirror, can't you see?"
She wailed, "I do not want to be
The hairiest in all the land
Why is it you don't understand?
Just once I'd like to wear the crown—
Do something better than Slush Brown
But ever since I was a lass
I've looked in you, moronic glass
Whatever question I have led
Snow White has always been ahead
In beauty—in our distant youth—
The girl was better, that's the truth
And now, in our declining years
Much hairier from toes to ears
And when I tried to rectify
This travesty of justice, I,
Endeavouring to make her dead
Gave her eternal youth instead"
Exasperated to the core
She couldn't take it any more
Her heart gave up, she tumbled down
And smashed the mirror with her crown
At which the dwarves sprang from their graves
And scuttled off to find some caves
Until their beards and hair had grown
They lived, embarrassed, all alone
Snow White would take them food each day
And care for them, as was her way
And when, at last, their beards were long
They all came out and sang a song
Eternal youth can be a chore
And life become a humdrum bore
But our friends formed a marching band
And went to live in Disneyland
