Notes App Stand-up Routine, August
It's not that rare anymore but it is still a crazy thing to be a woman who is not having children.
Or you know doesn't seem to be having any children as my mother likes to sing.
We are the children of all the people who had children: after all.
Like a line of genetically connected staplers
Infinity staplers going back.
(Stapler motion)
Gugung gugung gugung
And then me in the line, last in the line
Gugu-
No staple.
Just periods every month my whole life
Gugu-
period.
A power surge that dims and flashes the lights
Every month
No babies
Gugu-
Blood staples
Not holding
anything together, just
releasing all your documents to the soil.
So my friends are here my friends came to see me
And I haven't slept with ANY of them
My female friends obviously
I've slept with my male friends you've got to sleep with your male friends
What do you think you're better than everyone
No you sleep with your male friends that’s good sense! Or at least to me, okay to me it's sense because
I'm too bougie for the Bristol queers and too cheap to buy a decent dildo
These guys, perfectly friendly men, are just out here with free dildos waggling around in their jeans
Jeans!
God I hate jeans
I refuse jeans
My whole life and still now
Fight me jeans! Because jeans do fight you
Even those of you who are right now thinking
I love my jeans
That's because you fought them
And you won.
I love muumuus
Muumuus for life.
(beat)
So dating.
Dating is
it's getting to the point where you just like keep
ascending and ascending to higher states of being and rebuilding your self-worth so it's like seven times more durable than it was before—
And this is happening to my friends too it's not just me this is happening to
And becoming like dewy and glossy and self-loved and your hair like rising rising like Galadriel thinking of how powerful she could be if let herself take the one ring
Deep voice and glowing blue skin heaven/hell kind of spooky fish tank lighting.
Anyway now we're all like that
sad Galadriels
drifting around
there are no worthy men.
It's not accessible for them.
Problem! Big problem.
Who can do it? Who will be brave enough?
It's like whomsoever shall pull the sword from the stone
Shall be the next true king
Whomsoever may be strong and resourceful and kind and brave enough, kingly enough in his innate nature, to pull the sword from the stone
The sword and the stone being in this case my own hand away from my own genitals
He who shall pull it shall wield it, and hereafter be hailed
as king.
(laughter?)
(little smile)
(get out of there)
