Breakfast’s Lust
A breakfast spread was
laid out on the table.
Coming down the stairs
in a purple robe flowing
light around my knees I
saw him happily reading
the paper. Out of the
corner of his eye he
spotted me urging me
into his arms.
I went to those arms facing
him while sitting down on
legs that cradled us as
we slept.
A brush of morning kisses
painted me the smell of
minted paste invaded waving
the air of the sweet
breakfast behind us.
What a wonderful way to
start the day. He hugged
me closer as I slid my hands
down the length of his
torso like curtains ending
a play, I slid my hands
down to the zipper of his
pants letting the palm of
my hand kiss the growing
firm members.
I slid my hands in a slow
action as it swelled and
pumped please don't stop.
Cold sweat beads glittered
against members flesh, but
the kisses never stopped just
hungered for each other a
little more.
His hands pulled on the
robe as he trying to resist
the finish.
From his kisses shivered
a moan slithered between our
tongues as he rubbed the
backs of my legs wanting
to place that swell of
pleasure inside my own
tightness so we may enjoy
the swell together. With
the other palm held the
rested slick backed hair
against my neck breathing
more moans and hisses to bed
smelling flesh that gleamed
in the face of pulled back
curtains of the kitchen.
A little nip on flesh,
an arch of cramped bone
clashing together to
relax, an eased swallow
of a climax producing a
formed whisper of
"I love you." Blessed
our morning while I put
member back in his pants
and held him as if the
world was going to end.
Copyright 2011 by Amber Davis
Critique by Jendi Reiter
Sex and lyric poetry fit together like...your favorite body parts. Erotic verses may be written to seduce, to boast of conquests, to memorialize a moment that was as fleeting as it was all-consuming, or even to satirize an opponent for his undignified slavery to lust. From Catullus, to the medieval troubadours and the bawdy Elizabethans, to contemporary poets like e.e. cummings and Sharon Olds, poets have found myriad ways to examine those acts that lay bare the emotions as well as the body.
But how much detail, or rather which details, should the poem expose? These choices can spell the difference between a satisfying erotic poem and one that instead provokes disgust or ridicule. Where sex writing strikes a false note, it's often because the language is overly clinical, vulgar, or pompous and flowery—or some buzz-killing melange of all three. It's no wonder that so much comedy revolves around sexual innuendo. The sexual moment requires you to cease stage-managing the self and just inhabit it, and sincerity always risks crossing over into foolishness. Without the possibility of a fall, the tightrope act wouldn't be exciting. The good erotic poem knows how to walk the line.
I selected this month's poem, "Breakfast's Lust" by Amber Davis of Troy, NY, because it's an example of an erotic lyric that has potential but could also be improved through editing. Davis takes us step by step through this episode of seduction, lingering on each sensation to intrigue and hopefully arouse the reader. She doesn't indulge in the florid metaphors for sexual organs that were once the hallmark of romance novels. Yet the coupling is suffused with a romantic glow because of the comfortable domestic setting and the slow build-up of physical intimacy between the partners.
Timing is everything here, so it's important to reread your erotic poem with a critical eye for unnecessary asides and repetitive words that dissipate the tension. The style of "Breakfast's Lust" is relatively unsophisticated, a first-person "and then...and then...and then..." straightforward description of events, without the associative leaps that a more advanced writer would employ to connect sex to some other aspect of the human condition—for instance, something funny, melancholy, or frightening about our inner nature that breaks through our defenses and disguises when passion takes over. By comparison, the motivation of Davis' poem is simply to share the pleasure of the scene. If that is your goal, it's all the more important to be concise.
Although Davis' focus is narrow in this way, the poem remains interesting because not all of the delights it presents are actually sexual. The rich color and silky flow of the bathrobe, the appetizing aroma of breakfast, the sunlight through the kitchen window, and the clean scent of toothpaste are equally to be savored. Where metaphors make an appearance, they are surprising and original, not used in a coy prudish way to pretend we aren't talking about sex, but rather to make the setting as vivid as the encounter within it. Some of my favorites were "a brush of morning kisses/painted me" and "I slid my hands/down the length of his/torso like curtains ending/a play". These images flirt with concealment even as the characters begin to bare all. Such texture or counterpoint can make the difference between literary erotica and the dull mechanical pumping of body parts in pornography.
"Show, don't tell" is a cliche because it's true. Love poems seem particularly subject to the temptation to over-declare. We certainly wouldn't want to edit our partners if they said "I love you" a thousand times! But the reader is won over by craftsmanship, not sincerity. Here, the tender relationship between the partners is perfectly encapsulated in the lines "I went to those arms facing/him while sitting down on/legs that cradled us as/we slept." On the other hand, the sentence "What a wonderful way to start the day" is unnecessary and bland.
Allow me to suggest some other phrases that could be cut without hurting the meaning and rhythm of the poem: "I slid my hands/down to the zipper of his/pants" (we already know where she's headed!); the next "I slid my hands " before "in a slow action" (repetitive); and possibly the lines "but/the kisses never stopped just/hungered for each other a/little more" (it's nice that they're not forgetting the romance in the lust, but there are more kisses coming soon, and "hungered for each other" is a bit melodramatic). The section could be rewritten thus:
He hugged
me closer as I slid my hands
down the length of his
torso like curtains ending
a play, letting the palm of
my hand kiss the growing
firm member
in a slow
action as it swelled and
pumped please don't stop.
Additional edits would clean up grammatical errors such as the plural "members" for "member", and omitted articles and pronouns ("while I put his/member back in his pants"). A stanza break following "resist/the finish" would provide nice breathing space and make the stanza lengths more uniform. Davis might also want to think about changing the poem title. "Breakfast's Lust" sounds rather like a bodice-ripper and doesn't add anything. Titles can be a convenient place to provide background information without intruding into the temporal flow of the poem. Would the author like to tell us more about the relationship between the lovers? Is this a special day for them? How long have they been together? Have they made up from a fight? Are they married to each other, or to other people? The mystery is hers to reveal.
Where could a poem like "Breakfast's Lust" be submitted? It was challenging for me to find markets for this poem, because its subject matter might be too racy for the amateur magazines and local poetry societies that I typically suggest for emerging writers, but its style is too simple for the more prestigious journals. The following contests may be of interest:
Oscar Wilde Award
Postmark Deadline: June 27
Gival Press offers $100 and web publication for poems by authors aged 18+ that "best relate gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered life"; past winners have included erotic poems
Aquillrelle Poetry Contest
Entries must be received by August 31
Belgian writers' forum offers publication of a book-length manuscript for the top three winners of their free contest for unpublished poems
Suggestions for Further Reading:
Charlie Bondhus, How the Boy Might See It
Mary Carroll-Hackett, The Real Politics of Lipstick
Jill Alexander Essbaum, Harlot
Lisa Glatt, Monsters and Other Lovers
The New Penguin Book of Love Poetry
This poem and critique appeared in the June 2011 issue of Winning Writers Newsletter (subscribe free).
Categories: Poetry Critiques
