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Is Your Writing Style Falling Into One of These Four Traps?

North Street judges often see what we think of as a "reflexive" or "general" writing style: what authors use when they're writing automatically, without giving much thought to style. Read on to familiarize yourself with our top four offenders, and get a head start on brainstorming things you can do instead!

—Annie Mydla, Managing Editor

Four patterns in weaker fiction and nonfiction submissions include strings of front-heavy sentences, multiple consecutive sentences with strong subjects, and the over-repetition of character names and pronouns. Books with these and other reflexive style features are less competitive. Agents, publishers, and contest judges see them all too often. That goes double if the patterns degrade pacing and immersivity, like these four do.

Front-loaded sentences

One of the most common reflexive patterns in North Street submissions is a series of front-loaded sentences. "Quickly, she opened the door." "With a gentle smile, he helped the puppy to its feet". It's certainly not bad to use front-loaded sentences, and authors use them all the time, but too many in a row can drag the pace and distract the reader. Some of the books we receive have paragraphs upon paragraphs packed with front-loaded sentences. Here's an example I made up to show you what that can look like:

Christian had been in love with Jade for years, ever since they had met in archery class in first grade. A bully had been trying to steal his juice box, and Jade had bravely intervened. A few choice threats and the bully had fled, never to bother them again. They had been friends ever since, but he had long hoped they'd become more than just friends.

Progress had been made, or so he thought, when he'd helped Jade to battle a band of buffoonish pirates the week before, leading to the liberation of her grandfather. But just as they'd been celebrating their victory with some merry kisses, who should swing down onto the deck but Delores, an old flame of Christian's. With a peacock plume in her cap and a dagger in her teeth, Delores made quite an entrance, and everyone stared and then clapped when she alighted on the deck.

Jade clapped, too, but Christian thought she was bothered by his reaction to Delores. Or had he imagined it, as he so often imagined things?

Two kids bonding, innocent young love, and a flashy potential rival—there's nothing inherently wrong with the content, but what about the succession of front-loaded sentences? It makes the pacing monotonous. The appearance of the words on the page seems artificial. Moreover, as with all four of the problems covered in this article, this pattern is common in contest entries, so its presence makes it harder for a book to stand out from other submissions on the basis of style. Use a variety of sentence structures for a more organic, immersive reading experience.

Character names

Another common source of overemphasis is the over-repetition of character names, as in this second installment of our story:

A week later, Christian and Jade were in her workshop. Christian looked into Jade's face. "Jade, I know what you're thinking right now," said Christian above the whine of Jade's whirling whetstone. "You're wondering if I'm still in love with Delores."

Jade frowned and continued sharpening her dagger. "I'm not thinking about Delores, Christian. I'm thinking about Margaret. Ever since she came to this town, you've been different. Even Delores has noticed."

Margaret! The intrepid gunslinger who'd captured a band of bank robbers shortly after moving to town! Margaret definitely did seem amazing, but Christian barely knew her.

Christian put his hand on Jade's shoulder. "Jade, you have to listen. Delores and Margaret mean nothing to me."

Jade shrugged his hand off and continued focusing on her weapon. Christian walked to the door and put on his boots. The sun shone on his face as he turned back to Jade. Christian stretched his arm towards Jade in a farewell, then left the room.

The sun was bright as Christian sauntered down the lane, sword swinging by his side. How could Jade be so untrusting? Okay, he had had crushes on both Margaret and Delores a long time ago, but Christian had gotten over that. He wasn't lying when he said Jade was the only one he wanted.

Christian looked up as a shadow crossed his path. Margaret was standing before him, arms crossed, her twin pistols glinting, one on each hip.

Christian, Jade, Margaret, Delores! Is this a story, or a word problem? "If Christian has six apples and Jade has three, how many apples will Christian have if Margaret takes away three of his apples and gives him one of Jade's and two of Delores's?" The crowding of the passage with names becomes visually monotonous and takes up space that could have been used by more dynamic language.

Once you see it, it's hard to unsee it. General readers may not consciously notice—but the name repetition will still affect their reading experience via a pace change and feeling of monotony.

When I mention this to authors, some respond that they used so many names for the sake of clarity. Clarity is always a good goal. Still, using character names too often can risk gumming up the pacing of the writing. I recommend using a wider variety of ways to refer to characters, or, even better, finding ways to circumvent the need—like rearranging the order of information.

Repetitive pronouns

A common piece of advice to avoid overusing character names is to use pronouns. Good idea, but some authors take it too far without meaning to. I've seen books that use pronouns in toxically high concentrations, similar to this passage:

He waved hello with a crooked grin. She smiled, too.

"Hi," she said. Her voice was musical. Her hair waved in the breeze and he couldn't help but notice her new nose piercing. It looked good on her.

Her smile broadened. "So, you're getting married to Delores. I'm so happy for you both. You couldn't have made a better choice than her."

He was perplexed. "I'm not marrying Delores. Did she tell you that?"

She laughed, then turned. She skipped up the street in the direction of the apartment she and Delores shared.

He dashed after her and easily caught up. She stopped and drew one of her pistols.

"Don't follow me!" she said. Her voice was calm, but he heard a hint of menace.

Here, only two characters are interacting, and yet the text feels the need to keep reminding us of them: twenty-seven times in seventeen sentences. My experience while reading a passage like this is a feeling of being "pinned down": the text keeps turning my attention directly back to the characters rather than letting my brain "look around" to other parts of the scene. It constricts the narrative, as through the passage were a kite on a short string that has the potential to fly so much higher, but keeps getting jerked back whenever it advances. If this is happening in your writing, it could be a sign that the focus on the characters is too tight. You might widen the lens on the scene or choose a different angle. Some alternative strategies are discussed towards the end of the post.

Strong subjects

The repetitive use of strong subjects to start sentences is another red flag for style. Strong subjects are not intrinsically bad, of course—some people actually have to learn how to use more of them. However, too many in a row can drag the prose down. Here's the next installment in our story:

The pistol poked his ribs. Christian held his arms to the sky. A talk was all he wanted. Swordplay would not be necessary, he hoped.

"Margaret, listen," he began.

A loud noise interrupted him. A huge truck was heading down the street directly at them. The truck was dark green with large spikes of rusty chrome sticking out at all angles. The passenger-side door was swinging open.

Margaret's pistol was back in its holster quick as a flash. The young woman sprang through the truck door and onto the passenger seat. The driver reached over and the two high-fived.

The gigantic green truck sped away. The street rang with the sound of its engine. Christian was left open-mouthed. The driver of the truck! The young man had no doubt. The driver had been Jade!

This passage feels somewhat dynamic due to the movement of the characters and truck. Yet there's also a sense of dullness and weightiness because of the preponderance of sentences starting with strong subjects. The effect on action passages like this one is monotony. When used in passages that are supposed to be meaningful, such as climactic or emotional sequences or discussions of closely-held beliefs, repetitive strong subjects can ironically take impact away from, rather than add to, the significance the content is trying to convey.

I have come to think of this style as "movie trailer impact": The content is significant. The author wants the reader to know it. Every sentence needs to hit the reader hard. The reader is impressed at first. The story goes on. The reader has soon been hit in the face so many times, the sensation dulls.

Strings of strong-subject sentences can be useful whenever you need to make a stylistic punch! Call on them when necessary. The rest of the time, editing to reduce repetition can make your writing feel more transparent and free.

All four together

Most often, we're seeing writing where the repetitive use of front-loading, strong subjects, character names, and pronouns are all used at the same time. That results in passages like this:

Shouting and waving madly, Christian dashed after the truck. All of a sudden, he realized how silly he was being. These ladies weren't just love interests in an adventure story, they were individuals who were each as cool as heck. Cooler than him, he realized with happiness. The truck ride looked like a lot of fun, and Jade and Margaret were hanging out the truck windows, hooting and hollering.

"Stop!" he yelled, and he was laughing so hard that he almost couldn't run anymore. Christian waved his sword in the air, and the women laughed back at him. The huge green truck slowed, and Jade, Margaret, and Christian collapsed in laughter.

A clang rang out through the air, and a grappling hook landed on the roof of the truck. A high, merry voice called, "Got room for one more?"

Jade pointed in the direction the grappling hook had come from, shading her eyes against the sun. She smiled. "It's Delores!"

Delores was sliding down the rope from the top of a nearby building, sparks flying from the steel cable. Before she could collide with the side of the truck, she nimbly flipped upwards, doing a flip before she touched down next to Christian, Jade, and Margaret on the truck's roof. All four of the young adventurers high-fived at once, and from that moment on, they were a team.

This passage isn't completely unbearable to read. The characters are having fun, and there's been some kind of resolution reached between them, which is nice. Stylistically, though, do you feel the constriction? Notice how the character names and pronouns keep forcing you to look back at the characters, even though there's much more in this scene to be felt, noticed, and enjoyed? How the front-loaded sentences and strong subjects create a sense of monotony and predictability?

What to do?

It's easy enough to point out these issues. But then what? How do we tell a story without these sources of overemphasis?

My go-to rule is: relax and let the writing look around a bit. Is there any need to be so myopically focused on the characters? Does every statement need to be qualified before the reader can understand it? Does every sentence need to be punching readers in the face with a strong subject? Probably not.

Alternative strategies might include…

Using generalizations:

It's hard to stay mad while chasing a massive dieselpunk truck full of your best friends.

Focalizing the action through a detail:

Best friends. The thought crossed his mind, at first slowly, then gaining power, taking the weight off his feet and pushing him onwards.

Asking questions:

Weren't these ladies more than love interests in an adventure story? How had he not seen that they were cool as heck and had their own stories?

Interjecting with setting:

The cobblestones of the quayside street rang with laughter and the thunder of the massive old engine.

Switching up the perspective:

Fishermen grinned through gold teeth as they watched the lad careening after the mountain of rust bouncing on its ancient shocks. "Careful where you wave that sword!" they called. "You sure you want to catch what you're chasing?" They cheered at his breathless sword-wave of acknowledgment.

Using creative replacements for names and pronouns:

The gunslinger and the dagger-master were hanging out the truck windows, hooting and hollering.

And, of course, using plain old names and pronouns is fair, too—in moderation!

"Stop!" Christian yelled. He was laughing so hard that he almost couldn't run anymore.

Same with front-loaded sentences and strong subjects:

The huge green truck slowed, and Christian caught up, slapping the old hulk's side in glee.

Putting these strategies together, let's look at a possible rewrite of the story's opening.

Rewriting to avoid repetitive strong subjects and front-loaded sentences:

Christian sighed dreamily. The story of his unrequited love had begun with a simple juice box. His daycare always had snack right after archery class, and bullies had requisitioned his treats as per usual. But it just so happened that a new girl had joined the daycare. A few choice threats from toddler Jade and the bullies had fled, never to bother them again. They'd been friends ever since.

Another sigh. Good friends. Such good, good…friends.

Thankfully, life among warring kingdoms offered plenty of opportunities to try and shift the needle from friends to something more. Only last week he'd helped Jade to free her grandfather from a band of buffoonish pirates. Just as they'd been celebrating their victory, though, who should swing down onto the deck but Delores, an old flame of Christian's. The voluptuous swashbuckler swooped through the breeze with a peacock plume in her cap and a dagger in her teeth. Everyone clapped when her touchdown climaxed in a snazzy triple somersault.

Jade's hands clapped along with the rest. Her eyes looked…was that jealousy? No, just amusement. Ah, well. Another adventure was sure to present itself soon enough.

Rewriting for pronouns and names:

He waved hello with a crooked grin.

"Hi," she said in a voice so sparkly it was almost blinding. This was a coastal town, and between the often-glittering waves, the crystal windows in the merchants' tall houses, and the three famous lighthouses, there was a lot to sparkle. Margaret's mission in life seemed to be to outsparkle it all. It sure was working today. And was that a new nose ring?

"New bling?" called the swordsman.

Twelve paces apart, they faced off like cowboys. A few seagulls hung in the air nearby, spectating.

"So, you're getting married to Delores." The nose ring twinkled menacingly. "I'm so happy for you both."

More seagulls kept showing up. One of them bore a small bag of popcorn in its beak.

"I'm not marrying Delores. Did she tell you that?"

The gunslinger laughed, turned in a blaze of spangles and spurs, then skipped up the street in the direction of the apartment the two women shared.

"Hey, wait!"

A few quick strides turned into a skid as a pistol sparkle-flashed from its holster.

"Don't follow me!"