The Update

By Joshua Corwin

I tread transgressions
against how far I've come
as a kid diagnosed
on the autism spectrum

at the age of 5
and processing delay
at 6
along with anxiety disorder
and ADHD—

I don't want to repeat
circles, with my feet.
One smaller and the other
—reminds me of my mind.

Neurotypical.

     [also, alcoholic—
          Thank God I'm sober,
          but that's
     another story.]

Like a pacifist in rage
I need to accept my brain chemistry.
But persevere.
Circles.

Those feet
make them.
Quake.

And color loses its vivacity...

Like the squeamish self I am—

(Just
see me at the doctor.

Please.
Don't.
I'm embarrassed,
by how I fade.)

O, it's so hard
to fit in
when you're hardwired
to differ.

Range
like a spectrum of shapes:

I circle,
but I transcend.
But because I do,
I have these fits

{usually every 3 months or so,
sometimes once a year}

It comes from acting
  typical
     when you're
          atypical.

—did I tell you I had to learn
thousands of idioms?
               [I thought...
                    when someone
                    said, "it's raining
                    cats and dogs,"
               That it was.]
—flashcards of rules...

I don't want to rock back and forth,
     as I pass on going out the door,
          because I am now the floor...
     unable to speak
  when I have so much to say...

That happens every now and then...
     and my feet repeat themselves in circles...

around a shape—a square or rectangle or circle perfect:
  the kitchen table, where Dad is late
  because he's paying the bills,
  so I can get the therapy I need,
  and the speech therapy
  —to learn idioms...like..."it's raining cats and dogs"
  —I feel like "it's raining cats and dogs":
the words and screams of atypicality,
in dysfunctional
familiac ways—words invented

I have so much to hear.
I have so much to say.

I'm trying to not repeat the circle and fall on the ground...

But perhaps. Putting on the guise
and persevering like I do.

Perhaps, I need to fall.
  Perhaps, I need to circle.

How else could I draw the line
of when it's time to stop the update?