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Musings of a Deranged Sea Monkey
As I am hobo with a bindle I have come across Many things In my travels Concerning life I will enlighten you About a few of them in poem form If someone offers you A free colonoscopy You should get all over that And if she weren't your sister You…
In Bed With St. Ignatius These Late Antiquity Nights: A Manifesto on Aspiration
st ignatius is an assorted kindness, six lemon merengues [after a snickers dinner, wolfed down every snapping morsel]; received his treatise, endearingly personal, what a read unlike this writing hiding more than revealing checked out his book collection, then an exclamation: “oh my! you are christian!” as eyes wandered óone…
My Mind Is A Wasteland: An Epic
(Apologies to T. S. Eliot) 1. I Feel Like a Buried Dead Guy. April was the cruelest month, as I could not pay my electric bill, And it bred a blush in my dead face when the electric company called. Winter was better, though I still didn't like it. At…
Score: Kipling 1, Keats 0
it is a thing of beauty to see Trudy fling the nerf football so high in the east a trajectory that sings out through the trees to the stratosphere but here, back on earth the truth is that Booth awaits the falling missile hears the whistle of it in the…
The Book of POD: Psalm 69:1-18
1 Save me, O POD, for tears of sorrow come up to my spine. 2 I sink in the miry desks where no publisher extends a foot in the door. I have come into the deepest slush pile, and the slush engulfs me. 3 I am discarded, crying for help,…
The Test
so much depends upon red stained undies cheerleader pee beside two blue lines. Negative! Sent as a joke to The Famous Poets Society
The Thick Nose
O, nose, thou art thick! The Suspiciously cheap Doc With a degree off the Net Who has quit using smack Shall slice thru thy head Of soft nasal parts; & leave really quickly When the bleeding starts. Sent as a joke to The Famous Poets Society
F**k Global Warming and All You Damn Hippies
(A parody to the tune of “This Little Light of Mine”) This little light of mine I'm going to let it shine Wasting energy all the time I'm going to let it shine PG&E gonna give me a fine I'm gonna let it shine Every day, every way, let it…
The Girl Who Loved TV
A girl named Tillie loved TV. They called her “Little Square Eyes” When Oprah came on, or a good movie, she looked like she was paralyzed. She watched it from the time she woke. She basked in its warm blue glow. And even when the cable broke, she loved the…
A Villanelle of Love and Sorrow
Do you know who you are, my Sea Monkey friend? Beyond your glass wall can you perceive my love, my life, my rainbow's end? Don't be afraid as your mind comprehends my fulfillment in that one whom I'll never leave. Do you know who? You are. My Sea Monkey friend…
Waste Band
Frog and toad went abroad To win a prize, through a fraud Or at least to reach semi-final. They both leaped in daylight broad Frog and toad, Ha! Ha! Ha! O my Lord! Through the road To feed and hoard Frog and toad went abroad. Rubbed their backs on the…
Daddy Ditty
You no do, Big brown shoe. I see one Do not see two Not see who? Nazi YOU! Dadman badman, I hate you Hate your shoe. Moustache too. Make U look like Fu Manchu. Y do you Make me blue? Boo hoo. Boo hoo Boo hoo hoo. I'm a Jew!…
Song of a Nightingirl by Mrs. Grown Heats
1 My wart breaks and an oozy something stains His pen's as though of menses I can't bunk Or hindered some dull hiccup to the brains Nun's limit past and draught of sex I drunk. O, it is not through envy of thy lusty cot But being too sloppy in…
Warning
This product may cause excitability in children Do not use this product if you are pregnant Consult your doctor if you are ill Do not use this product if you will be pregnant Do not shake this product Do not leave this product out of sight for 48 hours It…
She Sulks at Gravity
She sulks at gravity, at the tugs Of advancing times. Ah! Saggy boobs; And all that chest of floppy nugs Meet at her midriff, eye her pubes: Thus matured to those tender jugs, Man-handled for years, like Rubik cubes. One stretch the more, once firm the rocks, Sat half inside…
Although the Black Bear Runs the Marathon
Although the black bear runs the marathon He is not as spirited as I For though I have thousands of hairs on my head I do not falter, but persevere through pain and bloating While my sidekick yodeler yells, “Yoo Doo Yoo Doo!” and “Yeeng Yeeng!” I continue to run.…
Butterscotch Elephant Nipples
The torrid flump against the grain My foundry grinds up to the pointy. With apple cider I refrain Announce my kidney, pointy pointy! Cheshire wombats squelch my barm The growing elbow grunts in pain. Destroy my walrus with your farm Almeda farted out her brain. Grip your overcoat, my deer,…
The Clown Wears His Toothless Frown
The clown wears his toothless frown As cotton candy sticks to her wedding gown Why do freaks like to smell girdles My bosom is in the mouth of my neighbors gerbil Just wanting to burp on my way to Antwerp To find the zerconiam in my gumball A catcher in…
O, Stubing! My Captain!
O, Stubing! My Captain! Our season finale is nearly done. The Pacific Princess has weather'd every tacky plot, The ratings we sought are won. The port is near, the boat horn I hear, The special guest stars all debarking, While my captain's eyes follow Charo's aft, For whom love was…
Sunset Memories
The sunset came early this day, As the sun dipped into the Pacific Ocean, The splashing colors were red, orange, yellow, and crimson, Reminding me of watching my bobber while fishing on a lazy day, As a big catfish slowly pulled it down. Grandpa had been alive then, He would…
To My Cabana Bowl (TM)
Perhaps some day I will realize that you're no good for me Cabana Bowl (TM). Every time I eat you, I curse my judgment soon after. From outside my bathroom door you can hear me cry “Why do you forsake me, Cabana Bowl (TM)?” But yet, at least twice a…
Yellow Daffodils
Almost invisibly, the little poem scampered like a jettisoned leaf across the page. Then, it found darkness. Really dark darkness. Like night. And it sat for a time biding the shadows, thinking thoughts of infamy or of a nice bubble bath if it could only make it home. Of course,…
The Beautiful and Mysterious Rainbow
The beautiful and mysterious rainbow Has green as green as grass And red as red as rass Blue as blue can be Especially that kind of blue you see in the sea Yellow is the color of a daisy Maybe the maize is crazy And another color is orange Like…
A Battle Between Hands
The white page is getting drunk from inhaling my breath The pen has already like a rock In my tickling hands Can't remember if I had more Beers than tequila My puke looks chunky like A Pollock painting Where did my stomach Hided all that food? I don't know After…
To Wednesday
See, see the gray-haired sky Marvel at its big puce depths. Tell me, Steve do you Wonder why the squid ignores you? Why its foobly stare makes you feel blah!. I can tell you, it is Worried by your brilxxl facial growth That looks like A roast beef. What's more,…
Upon the Steaming Sky
In the steaming sky Where Santa Clause pretends he is Jesus The milky way hatches easter eggs in it's theory of God. The Way To Get A Poetry Career Writing For Pretentious Magazines Use beautiful language describing how you are a huge loser And the only thing which can relate…
Never Liked Ginsberg
Never liked Ginsberg. Never liked Howl. Never liked tomatoes or Y as a vowel. Never liked summer squash. Never liked pumpkin pie. Never liked when eyelashes got in my eye. Never liked Ginsberg. Never liked Ferlinghetti. Never liked sinuses or being compared to yeti. Never liked erudition. Never liked puns.…
The Probe
I was a victim of an anal probe. One night, I became a victim of an alien abduction. Now, I'm a xenophobe. I was transported into an odd shaped globe where I beheld a voluptuous alien—I hoped I was about to become a victim of alien seduction I was a…
Ode to Zingerman’s Pulled Pork Sandwich
Ah The Joys of Pork, circumcision notwithstanding; Our inheritance of dread from Adam notwithstanding; I sit alone in post-prandial bliss in Zingerman's Roadhouse. (Whoever is not guilty—complicit in his or her comfort Of daily immoral acts in these end times—cast the first stone. Even Nestle's (”...the very best chaw-clate”) beans…
Mad Personal Assistant’s Song
(after a poem by Lewis Carroll) He thought he saw a horse's ass, A-buzz with little flies: He looked again and found it was Dick Cheney in disguise, Wearing a Ronald Reagan mask And eating Freedom Fries. He thought he saw a woodpecker Spontaneously combust: He found it was the…
A Lament to the World
O world, I see you've become weary. Your lives belie the drab and dreary. The zest of youth replaced with dread As mundane chores compress each head. Awake each heart! Rekindle fire! Bring forth the dance and joyous choir! For still remains the remedy— Tis Peeps in pure simplicity. O…
Poetry is my Penis
I sport fuck, stick it to a slow jam, jack rabbit quick slap slam, and make love in marriage to this language. I piss grammatical errors. My poet-cock spurts rhymes in a jizzy jazzy meter. I punch my pudendum into a frothy ejaculation of theme. I become aroused. My loins…
The Pork Rinds
Twas a restless night upon me as the pangs of day pressed on me Wide awake I watched the beams of moon that flashed upon my floor From which things that caused my weeping, seeking succor I went creeping To the kitchen from my sleeping to the balm I kept…
Bret Moylan
Oh My Thingies
Oh my kitty oh my doggy oh my fishy oh my Bushy oh my Iraqy oh my Osama Bin Soup ladel oh my boobonic plague oh my Spanish Inquisition oh my coco puff oh my chocolate porcupine oh my snotty hairy baby oh my hit me in the face with…
The Captain of Crunch
Captain of Crunch, that is my name The one I chose myself, If you don't like it, I don't care, Just take me off the shelf. Don't start your day the healthy way, Don't buy nutria-grain, If you buy Tony's frosted flakes Then you must be insane. Lucky charms, they…
Because I Could Not Stop You Darth
Because I could not stop you Darth— Years later you stopped me— The hallway held but just ourselves— And my mortality. You slowly flew the Falcon in I would not get away. My life defunct on that Death Star For Jedi destiny— You went to school, where younglings learned The…
Press Release: Winning Writers Launches New Website with Tunnel 7 Design
Winning Writers steps up its literary contest information service with a new website designed by Tunnel 7. The new site is mobile-friendly and gives more prominence to contest winners.
Multimedia Features
Highlights multimedia features from our contest archives
Ten Uses for Cabbage
Stuff it in the crack beneath the bedroom door It keeps the heat in and the noise out, And is biodegradable A maiden sat upon a ten-foot cabbage How much does a ten-foot cabbage weigh? She wondered. There is mayonnaise. There are carrots. Cabbage is the least of it. Sometimes,…
Stopping by the Clinic on a Snowy Evening
Have I the clap? Though I should know, it's tough when you're the village ho, for every stranger who may cum could deal an unexpected blow. I play it straight and play it queer depending on the atmosphere, beneath young stallions half my age or cougars of a vintage year.…
Unfortunate Memory Candy
Movement the First—O, this Lake of life is Trembling Terrible Single droplets of wet, wet moisture, rolling down my tear-soaked cheek Making a river Or a phoenix Or a joaquim Whichever you pick, it's Oscar worthy. My might is subdued by platitudes and attitudes Mighty though it may be. Power…
Untitled (“I looked out the window…”)
I looked out the window, and a bird was chirping. CHIRP CHIRP CHIRP. CHIRPALURP. It chirped. I chirped back. CHIRP. I was walking down the street one day. The ants tried to carry me home. But I crushed them with my Payless shoes. I felt symbolic. So symbolic it gave…
Untitled (“Marine salads…”)
Marine salads wrap around mine eyes with their gentle gentleness as I devour them with thou play-do encrusted cloud of Sparta. Two versatile pink pinkies explode thou lungs when I breathe their succulence into thou minotar of oodles. Thou hast laminated mine soul with da helium of urinating bananas. If…
Anonymous
Thinking of Susan
You announced you were a lesbian Just before the waitress appeared: “Would you like more tea?” We giggled threw our straws, Making bubbles Which reminded us of passing gas. We thought this might be a phase One of those experimental things Like growing mold on bread But then Christmas time…
Avoiding Ducks
Ducks Ducks Ducks Avoiding ducks Ducks ducks Avoiding ducks avoiding ducks Avoiding ducks Ducks ducks ducks Ducks avoiding ducks avoiding ducks avoiding ducks avoiding ducks avoiding ducks avoiding Ducks Ducks… Sent as a joke to poetry.com
The Parody of Poets
The world is charged parodies of poets They will soon quit, like whiteheads winking open They gather a greatness of rejection slips, like cat-lady gathers ringworm And, outgrowing their angst and black jeans, get real jobs Like marrying rich men and selling Mary-Kay Or flipping burgers through grad school. The…
Do You Do Who?
Sometime in time a myth was told borne out of earth's grime 'twas an epic to behold: Once upon a crime, There didnt live a beautiful Rhyme For the rhyme did only mime in a frinking town with a dishing problem. Hence one thormy midsnight a hindsome knight of ballsmighty…
Book of My Mother’s Old Blue Socks with the Little Duckies on Them - Verse 6:347
Woe be it to the man with small penguins, And ye who would at the man's small penguins, Laugh and make merry with many a merry laugh May he be the first to throw a rock at his own small penguins. And then God did say, “If your small penguins…
